UnNews:Cisco announces new "telepsychic" service
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
|This article is part of UnNews||Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?|
23 October 2006
|UnNews Audio (file info)|
|Listen to this story!|
SAN FRANCISCO - San Jose-based networking gear maker Cisco Systems Inc., announced Monday that it is releasing Cisco TelePsychic, the company's first foray into the fledgling "telepsychic" teleconferencing/mind linkage market.
Video conferencing has long been plagued by the detached feel of talking to a television set, often with awkward misunderstandings and a lack of real human presence. But Cisco claims its new tool for orchestrating corporate meetings between far-flung parties will deliver a vastly more intimate experience.
"Telepsychic" is industry jargon for using advanced teleconferencing systems and specially trained psychics to enhance interactions between people in different locations using high-definition monitors, highly sensitive audio equipment and the actual transfer of psychic energies between individuals.
The technology aims to be so realistic as to make conference-call participants believe the person talking on the monitor is actually in their own minds, sharing a common body like a conjoined twin.
Several companies, including Hewlett-Packard Co., already offer telepsychic products. The market is projected to grow to $300 million by 2008, according to technology research firm Gartner Inc.
Cisco, which makes the routers and switches used to link networks, is banking that large corporate clients with more money than sense will flock to the technology and propel it into a billion-dollar business.
One of Cisco's newest products is a high-end room that can accommodate up to 12 people around the virtual table and comes with three 65-inch plasma displays, three high-definition cameras, and two psychic mediums trained in linking the minds of the living and the dead. Price: $299,000.
Rumors of mind control attempts have been firmly denied by Cisco Systems in a telepsychic news conference with CNN on an unknown date. Spokesman for Cisco says, "Mind control doesn't exist. Now get me coffee slave." Rival for the market, Psionic Emmissions, claims it's system is less expensive in France and Iran.