UnNews:Chupacabras latest pet craze

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9 March 2009

Monkey pig

Fiercely cute when first born, many chupacabra owners do not appreciate the dangers of keeping adolescent and mature animals.

SAN FRANCISCO, California -- A rage has started for newer, greener pets, and what could be greener than a pet which eats absolutely anything?

Introduced to the exotic pet trade market by Rouge Limbaugh (blowhard Rush Limbaugh's gay half-brother) in 1998, chupacabras have caught on with Hollywood elite as the companion for the trendy.


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"They're so cuddly and sweet," says supermodel Heidi Klum. "and they'll fuck up anybody who messes with your shit."

Katie and Suri Cruise were spotted at a Japan airport walking their three chupacabras Otto, Xenu and Oprah with titanium rhinestone leashes. Intrepid reporter RabbiTechno caught them off guard in a ladies room, and asked about their experiences with three voracious, psychotic predators as pets.

Before either of them could get a word out, husband Tom Cruise wandered into the conversation and began breathing heavily onto RabbiTechno's hair. "Aren't they cute?" he asked no one in particular. "We've had them for almost a year, and they've share so much love with us. After Suri goes to bed, we talk all night about body thetans. Sometimes we do heroine"

Pam Anderson has had a couch made from chupacabra hides. She told UnNews Composure1 "The couch smell reminds the little shits (a chupacabra bitch with a litter of four) who's boss. Once they're good and scared of me, they love me to death!"


Venezuela protests excessive breeding to UN


Hugo Chavez has personally registered a protest with the United Nations, claiming that "The Hollywood elite cabal, which is trying to control all free peoples like that of Venezuela, is perpetrating a crime against goats. Raising these monsters (chupacabras) in captivity is a conspiracy concocted by the imperiallist devils in the United States, Israel, and Tasmania."

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