UnColumns:Chuck Norris - Secularism: the single greatest threat that America has ever faced
Uncyclopedia is proud to present an exclusive, never before published column by Chuck Norris, founder of the Chun Kuk Do school of Tang Soo Do Chopsocky, as well as wearer of the 8th Degree Black Belt Grand Master in Tae Kwon Do, another of indeterminate color for Machado Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu, rainbow suspenders for Tai Chi and a white apron in Tex-Mex cooking. Known as "the Bruce Lee of martial arts movies", he starred in films like Missing in Action (1984), Missing in Action II: The Missing Strikes Back (1985), and Missing in Action III: Return of the Missing (1988) before playing a Texas Ranger named Walker on the TV series Walker, Texas Ranger (1993-2001). He is also the author of The Justice Riders, a novel about justices who justly dispense justice, guided by their Conservative Christian worldview (the bedrock principles on which America was founded by the Founding Fathers, who founded America on the bedrock foundation of Conservative Christian principles), as they ride.
In 2007, Chuck gave the commencement speech at Falwell's Liberty University. Five days later Jerry Falwell went to the Lord. The two incidents are unrelated.
He endorsed Mike Huckabee in 2008 in his bid for president. In return, Huckabee endorsed him in the All-Texas Chili Cook-off. Norris' entry placed third.
Recently a debate aired on ABC's Nightline pitting popular theists, Ray Comfort and Kirk Cameron, against two reviled atheists from the "Rational" Response Squad, which is also reviled. This testifies to the growing number (30 million people) of fools who profess there is no God. Add to that what I believe is possibly three times that number of functional atheists, those who believe in a God but don't show it (as True Christians® do, by voting Republican, wearing little American flag pins and putting Jesus fish on the tailgates of their pickup trucks), and patriotic Americans in America are facing a new religious horizon in which atheism is becoming a formidable foe.
Shockingly, although the majority of Americans continue to claim to be Christians, a Gallup poll discovered that 45 percent of the population would support an atheist for President. Such a survey is a clear indication that the secularization of our Christian nation is alive and well. Secularization, if you are not aware, will signal the end of America as we know it. For example, soon the secular government, blinded by their lack of common Christian decency, will (as they did with public schools) banish the Bible from the White House, before banning it in church and eventually outlawing it in your very own home! Will real Americans continue to stand for this outrage? I pray to the Lord, no.
The opponents of God
Once upon a time, it seemed that the only major fire for atheism burned from the anti-Christian work of Madelyn Murray O'Hair and the "American" Atheist organization, whose claim to fame was the banning of prayer and Bible reading in public schools in 1963, the year that marked the Fall of America from its favored position in the eyes of Almighty God. It was replaced by France.
Yes, France. God now loves France more than He loves the good ol' US of A.
Kirk Cameron, from TV's Growing Pains, and Ray Comfort, of The Way of the Master ministry, debate two heathens (not pictured) on national television. Needless to say, they crushed the non-Holy Spirit spirits of atheists worldwide, proving that the God of the Holy Bible exists using simple, easy to understand analogies involving bananas and excessive credulity.
Today many more antagonist groups and individuals to theism abound, and they are using every means possible for global proliferation – from local government to the World Wide Web. Such secular "progressives" include the Institute for "Humanist" Studies, Secular Coalition of "America", "American" Atheists, "American" "Humanist" Association, Society for "Humanistic" Judaism, "Freedom" from Religion Foundation, "Americans" "United" for the "Separation" of "Church" and "State", "etc". These groups, among the most powerful and most militant anti-God groups in America, alone total up to more than eight hundred people! Of course, no list of atheistic advocates would be complete without mentioning the anti-God militancy of men like Richard Dawkins and Sam Harris as well as the ACLU and Planned Parenthood. The latter two, in particular, are particularly dangerous to America; the first because it only defends the little guy, rather than America's oppressed Christian majority, and the latter because...get this...it plans parenthood. The only person who should plan parenthood is, you guessed it, our Lord and Savior.
Though the U.S. Constitution outlaws religious discrimination, these organizations and individuals would love nothing more than to help American society look with distain upon Christianity and ultimately relegate it to the corner, simply because it relies on arguments from authority, tradition, and personal experience rather than "facts", "evidence" and other things that we're better off remaining ignorant of. Essentially, these "Americans" want America to look upon Christianity the same way that real Americans look at Islam. In fact right now they, like a herd of cats, are coalescing into a single blob of cats and rallying, like cats, at least 5 million of their troops to mount a catlike counter-offensive to Christianity that's offensive to True Christians® and the version of Christianity that they hold so dear. To protect the United States of America, the democractic republic that we hold so dear, we need to rally the 200-plus million real Americans in America and vote for theonomy now, before these atheists have a chance to crush us under their inferior numbers!
For that reason I believe theistic patriots need to be wise to atheists' overt, covert and vert schemes, exposing their nefarious agenda and fighting to lay waste to their plans with the only weapons we have; massive superiority in power, money, numbers, and de facto control of both media and government.
Oh, and the Bible.
Satan's plan: Initiate restrictions and legislation against theism and Christianity
In God we bust
For these liberal groups to win the war of ideological dominance, they know they must minimize the effects of Christianity, which many are doing (unbeknownst to others, but beknownst to patriots like me and Ben Stein, who is a fine, upstanding American despite his unfortunately Jewish-sounding last name) behind the scenes through lobbying and legislation (which, unlike our lobbying and legislation, lacks the one-two punch of guidance from the Holy Spirit and Biblical literalism. Instead, they're guided by "humanist" philosophies, like that thing that foreign guy said that one time, and that book that the guy with a pipe wrote). In fact, two significant actions occurred on the National Day of Prayer, an official American tradition since way back in olden times, just in the last ten years!
The London Telegraph noted that while American Christians were praying across the land on the National Day of Prayer, "American" atheists were petitioning the Texas Legislature against the civic display of the words In God We Trust, simply because they don't believe that the God they hate so much is trustworthy. I, for one, know in my heart that He is. Why, I bruised my shin a month ago and prayed every day for Him to heal my crippling injury. I looked at my shin this morning and the bruise was almost completely gone. If that anecdote doesn't prove that the Lord is active in the Fallen world of Man, I don't know what does! You'll never hear a Muslim or a Buddhist say that their false gods, like Allah or that fat guy that Buddhists worship, helped them overcome adversity of some kind, no siree!
Why do you think that Walker, Texas Ranger stayed on for eight seasons? That's right; prayer. Mine.
Eroding and erasing theistic language in culture is a growing trend. Recently, not all George Washington dollar coins were inscribed with the words In God We Trust on their edges; many excluded them entirely! Such minting modifications are a flagrant defiance against theism and a public reflection of the place God is now relegated – to the fringes of society. Putting God on money is only idolatry if you worship the money that God is on, rather than the God who is on the money that He's on. If there is one thing that Americans don't worship, it's money.
Secularists, of course, have made repeated attempts to rid "...under God" from the Pledge of Allegiance, simply because it contravenes acouple of those "amendments" in that "Constitution" that they're always hiding behind. God didn't need twenty-seven amendments; if Ten Commandments were good enough for Him, then by God, ten should be good enough for America! He only wrote the Bible once, thank you very much, and He managed to get it right the first time.
Another example of atheistic advocacy can be found in the "Freedom" from Religion Foundation vs. America Supreme Court case, which asserted that President Bush's faith-based initiatives, which were subject to the only oversight that disbursement of public money needs (that of the Lord), posed a violation of the so-called separation of Church and State.
Atheists also received a proverbial shot in the arm by locating a representative and advocate of sorts in Rep. Pete Stark, D-Calif., who "...is the first member of Congress – and the highest-ranking elected official in the country – to make known that he is a nontheist." One politician in America is an atheist now. If this rate of change continues, theologians at Regent University calculate that by the year 2068 we could have as many as four!
We Conservative Christians aren't much for fear mongering, but that statistic should scare the hell out of you.
His election stands in stark contrast to the wishes of our Founding Fathers, who encouraged American citizens, Christians all, to vote Christians into public office. As John Jay, the first chief justice of the United States, wrote to Jedidiah Morse on Feb. 28, 1797, "Providence has given to our people the choice of their rulers. And it is the duty as well as the privilege and interest, of a Christian nation to select and prefer Christians for their rulers." If that single solitary example is any indication, all of the Founding Fathers wanted you to vote Christian, including Thomas Jefferson (who loved the Bible so much that he made his own version, complete with over 40% more miracles!), and Ronald Reagan (who singlehandedly defeated the godless Communists and their godless Communism simply by mortgaging our children's future to make our military so extravagantly expensive that the pinkos went broke just trying to keep up).
The tyranny of the State over the Church
The other legal disgrace that occurred on the National Day of Prayer was that Congress passed what might become one of the most religiously restrictive pieces of legislation in history: H.R. 1592, The Local Law Enforcement Hate Crimes Prevention Act. With Senate approval, this bill will expand the law against hate crimes, even those that revolve around the passages that God gave to Moses about the gays and what to do with them.
Seriously though, I'm not a homophobe. My hairdresser is a poof.
While the bill purports to target crimes of brutality, not speech, it could very easily end up (even inadvertently) restricting First Amendment rights of Christians to speak freely against such anti-biblical practices as homosexuality, transvestitism, or letting broads out of the house. As Rev. Jack Graham, president of the Southern Baptist Convention, a group that initially formed to fight the scourge of emancipation, has pointed out, "H.R. 1592 isn't about hate. It isn't about crime. It's about silencing our speech. If the Lord wants us to kill men who lie with men, then it's not my fault if I tell my congregants this Truth™ and a few of them go out and beat a fag to death. This is America, damn it! It's just as much my right to incite others to commit violence as it is your right to do God's will and show those dirty homos how much you love Jesus!"
The fact is, if the hate-crime bill passes, pastors who actively and knowingly incite violence could easily become pulpit partners in crime, simply because they are actively and knowingly inciting violence.
I agree with Rev. Henry Jackson when he said, with his unique grasp of English grammar and sentence structure, that the law would "...mandate unequal protection under the law and will pave the way for criminalization of thoughts and religious beliefs contrary to politically correct ideas.", as the only unequal treatment America needs is good old-fashioned white privilege.
Hang together or hang separately?
I urge you to write your representatives in Congress today to encourage the overturning of this ungodly, religiously restricting and unconstitutional piece of legislation, erroneously titled by the misnomer, Hate Crimes Prevention Act, simply because they hope that criminalizing incitements to violence against unpopular minorities will, by way of reducing incitements to violence against unpopular minorities, reduce violence against unpopular minorities. Americans don't elect our government to make laws; we put them in office to run the country!
If thirty-plus years of acting in film, television and infomercials has taught me anything, it's that the worst thing we can do is let the government that we elected try to protect the little guy from the rest of us. Think about it this way; if back in the nineteenth century they had been so concerned with protecting people, we would be surrounded by Indians right now! Scary, I know.
America was built on the blood of the little guy. Let's keep it that way.