UnNews:Chuck Norris denies claims of fathering Jesus Christ
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Chuck Norris denies claims of fathering Jesus Christ
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Monday, May 30, 2016, 08:58:UTC)(
26 December 2009
Anywhere except Nova Scotia - Following claims by research teams of the Sudanese government, Chuck Norris has responded negatively to accusations of fathering the late Jesus Christ. The qualified "Bas-ass MotherFucker P.h.d." spoke in recent press conference:
|“||Of course I'm not his father. He doesnt look a thing like me. He's not even ginger!||”|
Experts however, are not convinced. Some Irish Harvard proffessor told UnNews, "All research into the subject, show that Chuck Norris could be the only person capable of fathering a child that can die multiple times in one sitting." "Seeing as the average Norris round house kick breaks the higgs boson, embracing Einstein-Poldolsky theory of Quantum-Tunnling in Reverse with the density of a non-existing extra-spacial cauliflower particle, its perfectly plausable that Norris could have at some point been present at 8 Months BC, and impregnated the Virgin Mary with the power of his mind."
This theory is not just idealism - It is suspected that Chuck Norris has fathered approximately 42,785 illigitimate children world wide (except in Nova Scotia - which according to Norris, does not actually exist). Norris the went on to argue:
|“||I would have at least given the child a decent name! How about Emmanuel Ass-Kicking Christ Norris?||”|
Further research continues into the claims, by the scientists who have not yet been found and deleted by Chuck Norris.
God has so far refused to comment.