UnNews:Chuck E. Jesus busted for cocaine
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Chuck E. Jesus busted for cocaine
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Monday, August 3, 2015, 01:46:UTC)(
31 August 2006
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BATTLE CREEK, Michigan -- Fallen Messiah and kids restaurant entrepreneur Chuck E. Jesus was arrested today by Michigan State Police for possession of cocaine with intent to distribute. The famous chain featuring pizza and arcade games has taken a hit on Wall Street for the first time since it's IPO in February, 1998.
Jesus, or Chuck E., as he prefers to be called, was born to a poor emigrant family in Podunk, Israel, 1948. His siblings were all committed to insane asylums by age 6, and he grew up alone and addicted to masturbation. At age 18, he moved to Twister City, Oklahoma and worked for Wendy's, a hamburger chain, rising to the rank of Rear Admiral by the time he'd finished puberty.
Not satisfied with a seven figure salary, he went on to found the now-famous Chuck E. Jesus' restaurant as a front for his illegal hobby of ostrich buggery. Soon he was a multi-millionare and a Captain of industry, of perhaps more apropos, a Lt. Colonel of food service and fun.
Growing bored with molesting ostriches and other flightless birds, Chuck E. took to hanging out in swanky discos, drinking heavily, and selling ecstasy to nuns. He also branched out into new territory by adding to the back of existing Chuck E. Jesus', where adults, who's children were wreaking havoc and stuffing their faces with greasy fast foods, could relax. He introduced the new services with a hash bar, absinthe fountains, and hookers of every concievable type and sex.
In 1987 he discovered cocaine, and became the Cali Cartel's Salesman of the Year every year for more than a decade by pushing it though his adult venue. Profits soared when the Whack-a-kid game, similar to Whack-a-mole only with kids, was introduced.
Although retired since 2002, Chuck E. remained active in dealing cocaine. His arrest was part of a larger drug sting operation conducted by the DEA and Nancy Reagan. He was released on $100,000 bond and will appear in court to defend his right to be executed in that silly costume head.