UnNews:Chrysler and Apple to re-introduce PT Cruiser
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
|This article is part of UnNews||Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?|
5 April 2011
DETROIT, Michigan -- Chrysler, eager to tap into the potential of products similar to Ford's Microsoft partnership for Sync, has offered Cupertino-based Apple Inc. a chance to revitalize its once-trendy PT Cruiser.
"We're still in discussion with Apple as to the details," Said Olivier François, Chrysler LLC's Chief of Marketing, "but what we have so far looks promising." Presently post-planning, the project is nearing production, and is expected to be available for sale by Model Year 2013.
"We simply turned the PT over to the guys at Apple, and they're really pumped it full of cool new ideas." Project Lead Joseph Manderley addressed the subject through a series of emails: "We've begun with a new name, PT Cruiser just smacks of docile, post-dated retro-styling, and we can't have that. No. This is an ultra-modern car, that will be the cutting-edge of driving, and must be re-imagined thoroughly. The best modern names have the letter 'i' [sic] in front of them. We've chosen to name it the iSoar."
Manderley spoke on the subject, conjuring images of a smooth-riding sophisticated "dream on wheels" [sic] that would be "closer to soaring over pavement than driving". The vehicle will offer many features, most notably, all traditional controls, pedals, handles and levers will be removed. "Steve [Jobs] said he thought 'steering wheels were too bourgeois' and my team carried that through the entire design" The only control will be a single click-wheel in the center of the driver's side dash, and a large screen listing the control options in offset to the right.
Powering the iSoar will be be Chrysler's 3.6 liter Pentastar V6, and a four-speed automatic transmission. Manderley elaborated that they have just began a prototype of the engine as a hybrid that will "run on gasoline, and Steve Jobs' God-like radiance. Fuel economy is expected to triple every time he has a brilliant idea."
"This will be the iPhone of cars," Manderley concluded, "everyone will want one, and we're hoping to enlarge several apple stores in malls to accommodate small sales lots."
Though no iSoars have left the design stage, the production prototype is expected to be completed by June. Nobody from the Department of Transportation was available for comment on the unorthodox controls.
Olivier François expressed keen interest in the iSoar: "We're really excited. The Chrysler marque needs more than three models, and we're hoping this will be the rejuvenating new design to put us back on the map."
|This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.|