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Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Tuesday, July 7, 2015, 20:17:UTC)(
24 December 2008
Congress was to have passed a bill compulsorily shortening Christmas for 2008 from the current six months to just three months. Under this law it will not be permitted to advertise, buy or use any Christmas related product prior to October or after December. It has been common knowledge for some time that far too much of the Gross National Product has been devoted to Christmas but addicts seem unable to just say no. It is anticipated that the dollars thus released will be soaked up in increased taxes. Anyone failing to open a present before New Year's Day will forfeit the gift unless they obtain written permission in advance from their doctor to carry it over to the following Christmas.
In a surprise move, president elect Barak Obama has postponed the enactment of the Bill for a year due to the financial crisis. At a press conference in Tahiti he said that " . . . although it seems stupid, capitalist economics needs you to spend money you don't have in the bad times and not spend money you do have in the good times, in that way no one will ever find out that those bits of paper are actually worthless."
Some confusion was caused in 2007 when researchers at MIT pointed out that Christmas had already been shortened for some time, to Xmas. Richard Feynmann however, has countered this with an argument that physicists do not have the slightest understanding about economics (does anybody?). This argument cannot be refuted since Feynmann, being dead, is no longer listening to the replies.
- ↑ Khalid, M, "May Allah burn Christmas on the bonfire of all heresies", Afghan Taliban Times, July 2008.