UnNews:Christians blast God for carrying out abortions

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1 May 2008

Christian leaders joined today in denouncing the popular supernatural celebrity God for carrying out a series of abortions over a period of approximately 1,000,000 years. His Holiness, Pope Benedict XVI, addressed a crowd of thousands in Rome, saying "The Church's policy on abortion has always been clear. Despite this evidence of God's misconduct, we shall not change our view. Killing babies in the womb is wrong - even if one is aiming to eliminate inferior subhuman specimens in order to build an invincible Herrenvolk who shall take their rightful place as masters of the world." His Holiness then drew a swastika on his forehead with a felt-tip marker and shouted "Sieg Heil!" in case some slow people didn't realise that the latter part of his speech was about Nazis.

Prof. Swottie N. Erdington of Cambridge University said, in between puffs at his inhaler, "A spontaneous abortion, or 'miscarriage' in the nonscientific vernacular [high-pitched laugh], is the natural or spontaneous end of a pregnancy at a stage where the embryo or foetus is incapable of surviving. New research would seem to indicate that a woman's [nervous giggle] reproductive organs [cough] are designed specifically to kill babies with specific defects. For example, 95% of foetuses with chromosomal or other disorders are killed by the immune system. Now, if a woman's body [nervous giggle] is designed by God, it follows that God has dsigned this [snort] apparatus to carry out abortions, quis hoc septim ad lactea profundis." He then adjusted his glasses, and added "It's 'The University of Cambridge' by the way, not 'Cambridge University'. You peasant."

God has thus far remained silent on the issue, although all 234,111,806 people who claim that He speaks through them have voiced various opinions. Those crazies (Nicaraguans?) who crucify themselves at Easter have held ritual abortions on beaches throughout their weird-ass country. Bible Belt Christians in the U.S. have begun growing babies in large glass jars, like in The Matrix. The Northern Irish have used this controversy as a pretext to burn down each other's churches.

Richard Dawkins is reported to have laughed in a smarmy way and said "I told you so".

U.S. presidential candidates have also weighed in on the matter. Sen. Hillary Clinton said she was "relieved" by the news, because it allowed her to be "honest" with the American people. She then admitted having a "shitload" of abortions in the 1980's. Sen. Barack Obama responded, "This change has brought both hope and change to a divided, changed, hopeful nation. I believe that we can hope for change and a better, more hopeful future." John McCain growled and spat.

This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.
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