|This article is part of UnNews||Straight talk, from straight faces|
13 January 2007
COUNTY ANTRIM, Nor'n Ir'nd, Wednesday — The battle over gay rights in Northern Ireland has hit Ulster's dinner tables. The Christian Congress for Traditional Values, already viciously discriminated against by the new human rights laws that stop them practising their religious views by continuing to discriminate, are now working on a labeling scheme for suitable farm produce.
Eight percent of rams prefer other rams to ewes and find themselves consigned to the slaughterhouse in short order. Given this, the Concerned Fundies have ruled that their members are to refrain from eating sheep that are not certified to have actively pursued heterosexual intercourse, lest they catch Bovine Sodomite Encephalopathy from the infected meat.
Antrim councillor Patriarch Watson said he would feel "uncomfortable" about eating gay sheep in his bed and breakfast. The father of three said the business was based in the family home, and his wife, a Christian, could be upset. Though he had no problem with the juices of lesbian ewes, he said, "as there is, after all, the possibility of conversion.
"A Christian, Jewish or Muslim butcher could be forced to serve gay meat to a gay customer. It's butcher rape. No means no!"
The CCTV refused to comment directly. "Leviticus 19:16 expressly prohibits fiction and journalism, so I don't know why I'm even talking to you, and I shall sue in a court of law should you reprint my words."
The Gay Rights arm of the Enthusiastic Produce Association has vowed to continue the fight to be killed, cut up and eaten with a sprig of mint by ruggedly heterosexual Christian fundamentalists. "We find this reprehensible," said a spokesram. "We could find it barely tolerable if only applied to rams who ate shellfish or pork, mixed linen into their wool or worked on Sundays."
Former Tory chancellor Lord Tebbit noted, "You gibbering fuckwits make me seem progressive and open-minded."
- Polly Filler "Homovorophobia, not food labelling, is the problem". Grauniad, January 9, 2007