This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-microsecond misinformation.
31 May 2007
At 11:39 today, Chris Moyles was brutally murdered in a bloody attack by the Lurpak man, famous for his commercials. The "lovable" DJ was attacked outside his home in West London, while a kitchen knife was found at the scene of the crime.
Slaughtered BBC Radio 1 DJ Chris Moyles.
It is thought that the incident occurred when Moyles was at the centre of a butter dealing scam. He was seen indulging himself in 6 packs of Lurpak butter in his car the night before. Lurpak man was thought to have spotted him doing this and was fuming with Moyles for eating his product which had lost sales over the past year. Lurpak man then devised a plot around killing the fat bastard the night before, and this morning, he attacked his victim. Butter was seen streaming out the gates of Moyles Manor, not the fact it was the packs of butter streaming out, it was infact Chris's own blood which contained a high level of butter and cholestral.
The Lurpak man will go on trial for the murder of Moyles. It is thought that the Lurpak man was distressed after his trombone was confiscated by police for being too "horny". Lurpak man has been distressed ever since, and this is one of the theories why he killed Moyles. It is thought that at the scene of the crime, Lurpak tried to commit suicide after the killing by attempting to melt himself with a firelighter.
Lurpak Man.The sinister smile of a crazed murderer.
Friends and family are thought to be shocked and saddened at the terrible news of Chris's demise. They say he was "always loved by the public and his big mouth will forever be in our hearts." Police are investigating in to these claims for extreme lying.
The former Radio 1 DJ's funeral will take place next week at McDonalds, it was announced. Pall bearers to carry the coffin into McDonalds will be dressed as his hero, Ronald McDonald. Instead of being buried or cremated, Chris had specifically requested for his carcus to be deep fried. His family commented saying "it's what he wanted".