UnNews:Chocolate eggs under growing threat from witches' broom
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Chocolate eggs under growing threat from witches' broom
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Friday, May 27, 2016, 14:17:UTC)(
8 April 2009
By: UnNews Staff Reporter, New York, New York
Chocolate are eggs under growing threat from witches' broom a report today stated. A federal investigation has revealed a world wide conspiracy to steal the Easter Eggs of children across the globe A spokesperson for the department of Homeland Security said:
"Our intensive investigations have revealed a world wide cabal of witches, with an HQ somewhere in the tribal Salem area of Massachusetts. Their single goal is to steal children's chocolate eggs, either from their homes or gardens. Sweeping them up onto their brooms and flying off to dispose of them at a secret, undisclosed location. On the basis of this new and extraordinary threat we are raising the threat level in this country from Amber to Red until the Easter holiday is over"
In an exclusive interview with the Wicked Witch of the West we asked her if there is any truth in these allegations. She replied:
"Ahhh ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ring around the rosie, a pocket full of spears! Thought you were pretty foxy, didn't you? Well if you thought you would get any chocolate this year forget it! The amalgamated union of Witches, Warlocks and other Magical Workers has had enough of Easter. We demand parity with that charlatan Jesus. One little resurrection trick and people think he is God almighty. Well we have had enough. We also demand that Halloween be given the same status as Easter. If our demands are not met we will have a rolling program of industrial action - starting with the confiscation and destruction of all Easter eggs but going further if the management do not meet our demands!"
- Debora MacKenzie "Chocolate eggs under growing threat from witches' broom". New Scientist, April 08, 2009