UnNews:Chirac: "France won World War II!"
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Chirac: "France won World War II!"
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Thursday, July 28, 2016, 04:52:UTC)(
3 August 2008
“We, les frrrrançais, arrrre the rrrreason that ‘le warrrrrr’ was won by the allies. If les Nazis had not taken ourrrrrr grrrrreat countrrrrrry, le D-day landing at Norrrrrmandie would not have happened.
“This was, as les Anglo-Saxons say, ‘le turrrrning point’ in the warrrrr. As a rrrresult, we should be rrrrrrewarded with morrrrrre powerrrrr and money, so we can waste morrrrrrrre money on grrrrrrrantss for ourrrrrrrr many cheeses.”
Since the statement was released, various members of the UN and UnUN have been debating the issue. In the end, they set the Think-O-Matic to work on the problem. The Think-O-Matic was instructed to create a vision of the war’s events if France had not declared to be an ‘open nation’, which would then, according to Chirac, negate the existence of D-day, causing Hitler to come out on top in WW2.
In the simulated alternate reality, the French army defended against the invading Nazi forces. Being professional rioters, the students of France aided the military, and the civilians also lent a hand by going on strike once every five minutes. The French used their most advanced weaponry, including guns that launch dog turds, guns that launch cheeses that look and smell like dog shit, assaulting the enemy’s minds with baffling grammar, and driving them insane with arrogant waiters.
However, this was not enough to repel the German army. Civilian casualties went through the roof, and following the attack of the fifty foot Hitler, France was captured within a week and all French radios were tuned to Getting Funky With Da Fuhrer. Basically, the same outcome happened, except lots more French people died. Which is probably a good thing.
The United Nations plans to report this to Chirac next week. There is a 90% chance that upon hearing this he will cry and run away to his chateau. A chateau is a French home that appears to have a military function, but is in fact entirely decorative. A lot like the French army in 1940.
|This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.|