UnNews:Chinese manufacturers substitute glycerine for antifreeze
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Chinese manufacturers substitute glycerine for antifreeze
Where man always bites dog
Thursday, August 25, 2016, 16:55:UTC)(
16 July 2007
SHANGHAI, People's Republic of China -- Following a myriad of food scandals in the past month, the FDA has decreed that all Chinese imports will be scrutinized for compounds that may pose a health hazard to the average, healthy American. The first signs of trouble came when thousands of American vehicle owners in Antarctica reported overheating engines. Then, hundreds of unwanted Panaman children did not die after being given cough syrup supposedly tainted with antifreeze. The Chinese minister of food and drug safety Mr. Zheng Xiaoyu (郑筱萸)was senteced to death by ethylene glycol poisoning, but this method failed and he was electrocuted instead. Soon enough, gamers around the world found algae in their liquid cooling systems, antifreeze acting as an inhibitor to algae growth in liquid cooling systems. The FDA opened an investigation, and early Monday morning published the results of their report.
The worldwide ethylene glycol supply is in fact tainted with or entirely substituted by glycerine, a similarly sweet, syrupy substance with different chemical properties. Most ethylene glycol is produced in China, but detailed production records are often not kept. Somewhere in the production pipeline, containers with glycerine were relabelled with "etheylene glycol" and then sold as such. This allowed Chinese manufacturers to sell their product at lower prices, since glycerine is three times more expensive than ethylene glycol. A jailed manager of the Xin Hua manufacturing company stated "The lower prices attracted more buyers. We sold at a loss on every individual barrel, but made it up by selling in bulk". The relabelling would also result in lower taxes on the fake antifreeze.
American officials have questioned the economic reasoning behind the fraud, and are exploring whether these incidents are part of a larger plot on the part of the Chinese government to undermine the U.S. economy. The head of the American Finance Association, who preferred to remain anonymous, stated that "the Chinese obviously want to harm America. By selling glycerin at such low prices, they are driving local glycerin manufacturers out of business". Conspiracy theorists have attempted to incorporate these recent findings into existing theories. Don Tbelievit, the head of Conspiracy Watch, an organization that tracks conspiracies, has stated that depending on which theory is being modified, the Chinese are being labelled as "aliens, Jews, or working for the FBI and responsible for all of our troubles".
There is no word yet on what actions will be taken by the Chinese government and Mr. Zheng Xiaoyu (郑筱萸)did not return our request for comment by press time.
More on the story as it develops, Exclusively on BSBC Live
All sources are classified and require level security clearance.
|This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.|