UnNews:Chinese "overjoyed" to be learning about capitalism
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Chinese "overjoyed" to be learning about capitalism
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Monday, October 24, 2016, 16:02:UTC)(
17 June 2007
Shanxi, China - China's burgeoning middle class is reportedly "overjoyed" to be on the path to American-style capitalism, according to sources within the country. At the helm of this economic development is the American Wal-Mart corporation, which has taken the bold step of enslaving many local Chinese in order to maximize profit.
Scott said that he hopes that the new business move will, "transform" China into the, "flag-loving, apple pie-eating, festival of freedom it ought to be." Scott was also thrilled by the response of the Chinese populace, attributing his enormous success to "Jesus' desire for me to enslave these people." As he put up his feet, lit an obnoxiously large cigar with a flaming 100 dollar bill, and prepared to dive into his swimming pool full of money, Scott remarked that he has "never felt surer that our river of cheap goods will continue to flow from China to citizens across America."
Hearkening back to the early years of the United States, Scott told this reporter about how he hit upon the idea while visiting an Alabama Wal-Mart, where he apparently heard a shopper commenting on U.S-China relations.
"This guy was a true inspiration," said Scott, "When he said 'Them Chinamen stank!' I knew he was truly an enlightened soul. Then afterwards, when he added, 'Davis (President of the short-lived Southern Confederacy) had it raght! We should kill the naggers, kikes, spics, gooks and the lot of 'em. After that we'll enslave 'em all! The South will rise again!' I knew that I had found my soulmate."
Local Chinese workers, on the other hand, had not noticed that their conditions had changed until they were questioned by this reporter.
"It's only a matter of time," say analysts in both America and Europe, "before all of Asia is enslaved."
In response, Scott was heard to say, "Let's hope it's a short matter of time, NASCAR's almost on."