UnNews:China to kill all citizens in pre-Olympic clean-up
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China to kill all citizens in pre-Olympic clean-up
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Tuesday, October 13, 2015, 09:29:UTC)(
16 April 2008
IN BEIJING, CHINA, much controversy has erupted from the Olympic committee's choice to have the next Olympic Games hosted within the depths of China. When asked why they chose to have the next games take place inside a crushingly oppressive Communist dictatorship, the head of the Olympic Committee said, "Well, it's sort of an elaborate practical joke on the athletes. Whoever survives to the end of the games without mysteriously vanishing gets an extra shiny trophy. See what we did there?"
China seems well-aware of the controversy surrounding this decision, and the leaders of the nation are determined to make Beijing as clean as possible for the upcoming games. Currently, Beijing is one of the most polluted cities in the world, and the only city in the world in which there is so much smog that it is darker during daytime than it is at night. China's air is so thick with deadly, deadly pollution that citizens never venture outside without elaborate breathing apparatuses. Or unless they can hold their breath for 24 hours.
Beijing officials are on a quest to clean up the city and impress foreigners when the Olympic Games begin this Summer. "I hope they can do it," says John Kolb, a Canadian representative of the Olympic Committee, "But we're assuming the worst. But look on the bright side, if they don't pull it off and clean up the country in time, it'll be pretty hilarious to watch the athletes work out while breathing in methane fumes. It'll be an added challenge, you know?"
China has promised a "Green Olympics," and as part of that promise, the government today announced that they would begin systematically killing everyone in the country to ensure a clean athletic environment for the athletes to compete in. The method would be the toxic chemical Dihydrogen Monoxide and whatever diseases the government feels like releasing, possibly bird flu.
We at Uncyclopedia are proud to say that this story was taken up May 3rd by MSNBC on their front page, using this article as a source! Yes that's right, China really is "aggressively diseasing" their own dirty, dirty people, especially children as MSNBC indicates. This may be due to children's proclivity for getting into mud puddles and smelling a bit.
"We put much thought into this," says Lui Queer, the organizer of the upcoming Great Big Cleanup, "And we quickly realized that the source of all the pollution we've been seeing is the fact that we have so many damn people in this country! If you get rid of the people, the hygiene problem is very quickly solved!"
So when the athletes arrive at last this summer, they'll be arriving to a very different Beijing than they'd expect. All the buildings will be empty, and all surfaces will be coated with disinfectant spray. Likewise, all the factories that were previously a vomit-brown color will have been repainted a bright, warm, fluorescent pink.
The athletes themselves will compete in empty, airtight stadiums. When asked about an audience, Qi said "Of course there won't be an audience! Do you realize how much bacteria there is on a human body! A single germ, a single microbe inside the stadium could ruin our entire international image. Hell, these guys are lucky we're even allowing athletes!"