UnNews:China launches its first manned mission to Iraq
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China launches its first manned mission to Iraq
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Friday, September 30, 2016, 18:35:UTC)(
27 September 2008
Galaxy China continued it's expansion into the hearts and minds of us all by successfully launching three taikonauts deep into Iraq oil reserves several weeks ago according to some guys in a boat with a telescope.
China, posturing itself as a kinder, friendlier nation willing to co-operate in matters such as recognizing human rights, hosting non-biased Olympic games and using earthquakes to launch payloads and unsuspecting people into orbit, has now taken the next logical step- invading Iraq in a show of solidarity with other world superpowers. Although initial plans were for a gourmet Chinese food stand, inspectors were quick to note that the massive 40000KM steel pipeline extending from the back of the building "couldn't possibly be soy sauce". Cooks onsite noted that whatever the stuff is, it has been filling up the basement and soiling the complex cat-skinning station. Furthermore, things in the kitchen keep catching on fire- although most customers think it looks cool and tip more.
Following China's lead, all world governments abandoned their prospects for alternative energies and sustainable technologies that could withstand the harsh environments of space. The completely sustainable world is for sale and the market has been invigorated, also inspired recently by Sarah Palin's willingness axe national parks in the name of commerce. It is now in full-blown swing. "There are rumors that other forms of life may exist there... somewhere... in all of that infinite- practically renewable- blackness..." mused philosophers milling about in the street attempting to absorb the new paradigm while improving their street cred. Investors rushed to and fro, tripping over each other to purchase vast tracts of land. Private security firms rubbed their bellies.
"Well, " General Norman Hardass considered, "I do like those noodles... ok. Charlie can stay."