UnNews:China creates sex database
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
China creates sex database
Every time you think, you weaken the nation —Moe Howard
Monday, August 21, 2017, 06:49:UTC)(
26 June 2015
PEKING, China -- A U.S. Government database containing all the details of high-ranking U.S. Government personnel's most intimate lives, including an entire sub-database on their favorite sexual fetishes, has been hacked by China. The database, created by the U.S. Government to protect its top personnel from blackmail, has been published on the Internet, transforming hush money and foreign recruitment from an impossibility to an absolute certainty.
Known as “adjudication information”, profiles of personnel requiring high security clearance are compiled by investigators over a period of months after application. The database has all hard-drug taking, bestiality, kidnapping, corruption and illegal sex carried out by Government employees, in order to protect them from blackmail – unless the Government wishes to blackmail them, of course.
There were red faces in Washington as the database was revealed on the Internet. Unfortunately for the Chinese, however, information that is universally known is useless for espionage and counter-espionage. Its only remaining use, in fact, is in the function the Internet performs so well: lurid websites.
Over 42 million Chinese have already signed on to
KinkySpies.gov, as perverted sex is the latest in a long line of younger-generation Chinese western-obsessed trends, coming in behind: “Whose legs are as long as Taylor Swift’s?” and “Can you pick your belly button with your arm behind your back?"
Senior senators and candidates are being publicly bombarded with requests from the Chinese teens and mid-twentys for abuse, animalistic sex, age difference, Amazons and strong women acts, collars, cock bondage and bottoming. Trending in the top ten are Barack Obama with over 30,000 requests for "delayed gratification" sex, Jeb Bush for depilation (waxing or shaving) and in the top slot, Hillary Clinton, with almost 300,000 requests for discipline and punishment.
The U.S. policy of keeping all personal security and illegal activity on a poorly protected web-based database to prevent blackmail seems to have worked. It has effectively wiped out the concept of secret in the western world; a policy that right now, seems to be just the young Peking Chinese’s cup of chi.
- Shane Harris "Hackers stole secrets of U.S. Government workers sex lives". The Daily Beast, 24 June 2015