UnNews:China buys Greece in junk yard fire sale
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
|This article is part of UnNews||UnFair and UnBalanced|
17 June 2010
ATHENS, Greece -- Official Chinese sources have confirmed that they are planning to buy Greece yesterday. This comes on the heels of a rumor that a strange looking couple were seen tossing what appeared to be Greece onto a refuse pile in the dead of night, then seen driving off at speed in a German registered Renault Elan.
The owners of the scrap business say they found Greece in "fire-damaged but serviceable" condition when they opened for business Monday morning. One of the men told UnNews that, he "saw it sitting there, in the rejected continent pile, so we moved it straight away to the worthless country pile. After inspection, we figured we could get something for it, despite the scorchmarks and collapsed economy."
Thus far, only the Chinese have shown any interest in purchasing the cradle of Western Civilization. CEO of China Hu Jintao told UnNews, "We're thinking this might be the jewel of our country collection," referring to Chinas recent negotiations to purchase Zimbabwe and Tanzania
Euro-police found the couple who had illegally discarded Greece, hiding in a rest cottage in Serbia after a tip was called in . They neither confirmed nor denied the identities of the suspects, but an anonymous witness told UnNews that they were Nicolas Sarkozy, a well known French conman and resident of Paris, and his accomplice, Angela 'Mutti' Merkel, a German woman who has, in the past, managed to fool everyone into believing that she was a master of disguise.
Merkel in her trademark pudding basin haircut had been caught on television cameras looking flustered and embarrassed at any mention of Greece, money or debts.
The police were also unwilling to admit if they had found Portugal, Spain, Italy and Ireland tied together on the back seat, with hand written signs saying 'Buy Me' in their various respective languages. However other reports say these four have been missing from their homes for the last week so it is likely they had been abducted like Greece with the intention of selling them to unscrupulous bargain hunters.
This reversal of policy by Germany and France runs contrary to previously declared intentions to "mortgage the harp of Europe to the hilt" to finance their purchase of Greece in April.
All Greek trams will be removed and replaced with Saabs. But Saab is defunct. And so they will build a Parking lot. He's been reluctant to weigh in on the McDonald's situation, in part because it’s so hard to know what’s really in it. But it might be possible to measure and find out how the all-beef patty is made.
Do we actually know that real estate was a bubble? It exhibited all the signs: not just rising prices, but also the kind of speculative fever all too familiar from our own experiences just a few years back.
And there was another parallel with United experience: as credit boomed, much of it came not from banks but from an unsupervised, unprotected shadow banking system. There were huge differences in detail: shadow banking American style tended to involve prestigious Wall Street firms and complex financial instruments, while the Chinese version tends to run through underground banks and even pawnshops. Yet the consequences were similar: in China as in America a few years ago, the financial system may be much more vulnerable than data on conventional banking reveal.
An ancient treasure is not gold that can be melted down to make Obama Mutant Ninja Toothpicks.
Now the bubble is visibly bursting. How much damage will it do to the Chinese economy — and the world? And the people in it? An arm and a leg? A skull and a candy?
Some commentators say not to worry, that China has strong, smart people who will do whatever is necessary to cope with a downturn and protect ancient societies from harm. Implied though not often stated is the thought that China can do what it takes because it doesn’t have to worry about democratic niceties, particularly when pro-mutants start mutating anti-mutants; when thieves start robbing crime victims.
For what it’s worth, statements about economic policy from European officials don’t strike me as being especially clear-headed. In particular, the way Europe has been lashing out at Europeans — among other things, imposing a punitive tariff on imports of Dutch-made bicycles that will do nothing to help its economy but will help poison trade relations — does not sound like a mature government that knows what it’s doing.
Even if Europe chooses to import Chinese bicycles, European engineers should not be put out of a job. Even though Chinese engineers and workers are very good, there are some reasons to protect European engineers. A book could be written about that but they will probably delete it and so the question of a security umbrella is raised. Obviously if an Obama mutant ninja sticks a knife in the brain of anyone, it would be necessary to shoot the person inserting the knife; it is not allowed to maim a civilian under any circumstances. But how many Obama mutant ninjas will have to be killed now? No country should be allowed to name itself after The People if it allows the brains of the people to be harmed. That is a line which can not be crossed.
In South Korea, facing North Korea’s vast, nuclear-armed military, the armed forces went on high alert as President Lee Myung-bak called for calm and urged residents to pursue their normal lives, news reports said. In North Korea, facing South Korea’s nuclear-armed foreign fighter mutants, the armed forces went on high alert. Historic villages could be paved over and driven over by Kias. That would harm both sides!