UnNews:Chewbacca's sacrifice helps Han Solo meet expenses
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Chewbacca's sacrifice helps Han Solo meet expenses
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Thursday, September 3, 2015, 11:55:UTC)(
30 July 2012
A UNIVERSE FAR, FAR AWAY – Han Solo has gone solo. He has dissolved his partnership with Chewbacca (aka “Chewing Tobacco"), his one-time Wookie navigator, by killing him, dismembering his body, and selling his head, for a whopping $172,000 at a recent auction. “I'll miss the big guy,” Solo said, “but at least his head has gone to a nice home.” The trophy's buyer, Luke Skywalker, who wishes to remain anonymous, said Chewbacca's head will “look good on my living room wall.”
Times have been hard, financially, for the pilot of the Millennium Falcon starship who gave up his cargo transport business to join Princess Leia's fight against the
evil Galactic Empire. “I told her, from the very beginning, that I wasn't helping her for free; I expected a huge reward. Instead, all I got was a medal worth about five bucks. I guess that's all her Royal Highness considers my life to be worth.”
Faced with huge debts and unable to pay his bills, Solo hit upon the idea of selling Chewbacca's body parts. On Tatooine, he said, Wookies are not considered intelligent life forms, like humans. “They're more like walking shag carpets,” he said. “It's legal to kill them. All I had to do was fake a reason for visiting the planet, and the rest was easy.”
Solo said he dispatched his former partner with a laser blast to the back of the head as Chewbacca slept. “He never knew what fried him,” he said.
Dismembering his victim was “no easy task,” Solo admitted. “Wookies are tough, but it was definitely worth it.”
He said he has had offers for other of the Wookie's body parts. “Someone offered $50,000 for his paws; another, $75,000 for his brain, if it turns out he has one; and I have a third offer on the table for his eyes.”
The biggest offer he's received, however, is for the Wookie's “private parts.” Solo understands that the anonymous buyer, whom he believes to be his former girlfriend, Princess Leia herself, has offered “an unbelievable amount, a small fortune,” for the Wookie's penis and testicles, which “she plans to have freeze-dried so she can display them in her bedroom, between her more 'personal' uses of the trophies.”