UnNews:Cheney to Nuke Iran Between 9 and 11 AM Saturday
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Cheney to Nuke Iran Between 9 and 11 AM Saturday
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Wednesday, August 31, 2016, 00:38:UTC)(
20 July 2007
WASHINGTON, D.C. Vice-presidential communications director Dana Perrino announced at a press conference today that Vice President Dick Cheney would be temporarily assuming the powers of the president as President Bush undergoes a colonoscopy this Saturday.
"This is a standard procedure for when the President is incapacitated or unable to fulfill his duties." said Ms. Perrino. "It just happens to synch up with some of the Vice President's priorities. The Vice President has made it clear for some time that he is interested in disabling the Iranian nuclear program and we can think of no better time than when the president is knocked out on happy gas with his cheeks in the air. I mean, don't get us wrong, the President is Vice President Cheney's bitch on any normal day, but on this one the Vice President wanted to sign off personally."
Ms. Perrino also stated that, if time allows, the Vice President will also take the two-hour opportunity to transfer a portion of the US treasury to Halliburton, drill ANWR, deforest Oregon and personally waterboard some 'Enemy Combatants.'
"And if he's in a really good mood, he said he might also suspend Habeus Corpus, but just for kicks." Said Ms. Perrino. "As two hours just isn't enough time to arrest everyone who might object."