UnNews:Cheney gets a battery change
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Cheney gets a battery change
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Tuesday, August 4, 2015, 14:31:UTC)(
29 July 2007
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WASHINGTON DC, USA, Hell -- Dick Cheney's old, obsolete Li-ion battery has run its five-year lifespan and has been replaced by a plutonium thermoelectric battery. Not only will the new radioisotope-powered battery last the rest of Dick Cheney's 15,000-year lifespan, it will also boost his maximum output of evil by 50%, and provide enough power for his titanium-hafnium FUCKING-KILL® Drive to work at 95% of its full capacity, which was notoriously underpowered by the inferior battery which was previously installed in his body. In addition to making Cheney the most powerful cyborg outside of Japan, his new battery gives him a healthy greenish glow when he is in the dark, and give him enough virility to deflower every virgin in Allah's heaven, and screw anyone who merely looks at him funny, if he wishes.
Last night the robotics team at George Washington University Hospital successfully booted down Cheney's semi-synthetic brain and replaced the Symbian-based firmware with the vastly more powerful NetBSD according to the wishes of Satan. Then his out-dated ARM processor with two state-of-the-art Intel Xeon quad-core processors, and his power supply and main electrical system was updated to handle the increased power provided by the new battery. After performing several minor repairs which Cheney's previous "heart attacks" have caused, he was closed back up before the scientists rebooted him. Upon first waking up from the "operation" (which is technically called "routine maintenance and service") Cheney requested 5 gallons of freedom fries, which he needed to power the hydrogen fuel cells of his backup electric system, then resumed his regular duties as president, which was temporarily transferred to his sock puppet George W. Bush during his operation.
After being successfully serviced, Cheney suffers from no limitations in his power. Having enough power to transform into a toaster or F-17 fighter at a whisp of his whim, Cheney will use his new-found power to win the war in Iraq, by transforming himself into an Abrams tank and blasting the insurgents and any signs of civil war with a 100 mega-watt laser cannon which scientists have attached to his left arm. While this cyborg is not fighting the war in Iraq, his nuclear battery is attached to the northeastern electrical grid and powers a wide swath of the United States and Canada from Toronto to New Jersey. Halliburton gets carbon dioxide offsets each time Cheney connects his nuclear battery to the electrical grid, since now that Cheney operates solely on carbon-neutral sources of power.