UnNews:Cheney destroys satellite in space
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Cheney destroys satellite in space
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Tuesday, January 24, 2017, 05:29:UTC)(
20 January 2007
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SECURE ARBYS RESTAURANT, Minnesota -- Adding a new twist to global arms tensions, United States Vice President Dick Cheney launched himself into space today, destroying a Chinese satellite on his way. Amazingly, reports indicated that Mr. Cheney used no rocket or solid fuel booster of any kind and, in fact, shot himself into orbit using only his own bad temper.
Mr. Cheney took off from Undisclosed Location #62, an Arby's in Tuluth, Minnesota, at 3:14 EST. Reports indicate that moments before the launch Mr. Cheney had purchased a Bacon Beef n' Cheddar sandwich. Said the vice president's press secretary Lea Anne McBride, "It has come to my attention that the Vice President ordered his sandwich specifically without pickles. However, when he sat down, there were, in fact, pickles. Listen, the vice president has a short fuse and if you piss him off he can really explode. I'm not surprised he went up like that. I've seen him blow up before, just never that high. And the fact that he hit a Chinese satellite is really, to us, just gravy."
Reaction from the Chinese government was swift and furious. The Chinese ambassador to the UN, Sha Zukang, condemned the vice president's actions, saying "The great nation of China will not stand idly by while our sovereign property is destroyed by the actions of the rogue imperialist running dog Cheney! Perhaps it is our Buddhist philosophy, or, maybe it's because we're more reasonable people, but no one in China is capable of simply launching themselves into orbit propelled only by their attitude... yet." Sha Zukang also noted that it was now a top priority for China figure out how Mr. Cheney launched himself, copy it, and produce many thousands of knockoff launchings, all without paying for the copyright.
Indeed, international experts analyzing the situation have noted a sentiment not just in China's government, but amongst the Russians, Indians and Israelis as well, saying that they now suffer something of a "Temper Gap". "This is the new arms race," Said weapons expert Willhelm Ross, "All the nations are now competing to see who can be the second to piss off one of their own citizens sufficiently to send them into orbit. It is tough, however, as Cheney is such a natural that it will be hard to match."
Press secretary Lea Anne McBride ended with something of a triumphalist note. "There are those who say the vice president is thin skinned. Well, perhaps, but only metaphorically. How else could he stand re-entering the atmosphere at 25,000 mph, where temperatures will exceed 1000 degrees Kelvin and live to tell the tale? Sounds like pretty thick skin to me."