UnNews:Che's granddaughter exploits him
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Che's granddaughter exploits him
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Monday, August 29, 2016, 00:23:UTC)(
20 June 2009
Havana, Cuba - A nation mourns today, upon hearing the news that the granddaughter of beloved freedom fighter Che Guevara has decided to spit upon his memory by exploiting his name to assist the spoiled rich.
Lydia Guevara has apparently agreed to appear nude, though with a "bandolier" made up of carrots, on behalf of PETA. PETA is an organization that has not been believed to be real by Cuba, Central America and South America, as those people have real problems to deal with involving infant mortality, disease, making a living, surviving revolutions, winning possession of a rat carcass at the local dump, avoiding drug lords, etc.
Up till now, they've always believed that PETA was just an American joke, as who could truly care about the welfare of animals when so many hundreds of millions of humans go hungry or wear the shackles of oppression?
"Great way to introduce PETA, by trivializing the works of that great man. The granddaughter should be ashamed." said Maria Lopez of Bolivia.
"Hey, Lydia - Next time I go hunt for food, I kill an extra animal that I won't need, and leave it to rot, just in honor of you! Shame on you!", said Juan Valdez of Columbia.
"Oh, and she even has her fist raised. What's that, showing her solidarity with rats and lice while her granddad's dream is yet unfulfilled? Oh, bravo. And kudos to PETA, they sure know how to make a first impression." said Senor Obvious in every other nation of the Americas.
On the other hand, Hugo Chavez of Venezuela, in his never ending pursuit of alternate forms of energy for his country, is praising Lydia' actions. "Now we go to where her granddad is buried, he who died for the poor and oppressed, while she strips for the rich and decadent. We go to where he fell as a martyr, while she exploits and lives off of his great name. Then we shove a metal tube up his ass that's connected to a dynamo, and all the spinning that he's no doubt doing in his grave will power Caracas!"
In man on the street interviews, most men - even in North America - have said upon seeing the picture, "We'd rather she wear fur. Or anything."
In related news, the Plant Liberation Organization is filing suit against Lydia Guevara for the wantonly cruel and premeditiated murder of 125 carrots, who she uprooted and killed - and not even for food, but just to wear once and throw away. It is believed that she molested them, first.
- Lindsay Barnett "Che Guevara's granddaughter partners with PETA. Viva la (veggie) revolution!". LA Times, June 18, 2009