UnNews:Chavez threatens to take over Venezuelans' living rooms
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Chavez threatens to take over Venezuelans' living rooms
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Tuesday, July 28, 2015, 01:59:UTC)(
4 May 2007
|UnNews Audio (file info)|
|Listen to this story!|
CARACAS, Venezuela -- Socialist Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez vowed on Friday to "nationalize" the country's private living rooms. The announcements comes on the heels of his threat to nationalize the nation's banks and steel industry. The oil and telecommunication sectors have already been taken over by the state in the past year. Allies see living rooms as the next logical steps in Chavez' drive to revolutionize his South American nation.
"Privacy in one's living room is a capitalist concept and not something that should be acceptable in our country," the President announced. His plan calls on redistributing furniture among from the wealthier households to the poorer ones, so that everyone has an equal living experience. "Why do these bourgeois families need more than one couch?," Chavez rhetorically asked in his speech. He also declared that people's television sets should be "no more than 15 inches across," as any larger dimension would reveal the imperfections in his face when viewed on screen.
Shares of Swedish furniture-maker IKEA jumped 20% on the news, as Chavez promised to use Venezuela's oil profits to purchase a basic living room set for the poorest citizens. Prices of interior design companies, however, dropped drastically as investors realized that Chavez would now be personally in charge of all design decisions. Meanwhile, US President Bush vowed to veto Chavez' proposed legislation, and was dismayed to learn that Venezuela is not under his jurisdiction. "Can we invade?", Mr. Bush is reported as asking one of his aides after the revelation.
To ensure that his living room reforms are properly enacted, Chavez vowed to "personally visit random people's houses and crash on their couches." He emphasized that all furniture should be "public property" and that it's all "for the national good." The President also urged citizens to have refrigerators stocked full of beer to quench his thirst when he visits. In his typical moralistic fashion, Chavez concluded his speech by chastising Venezuelans for their "inappropriate" living room behavior, and told them "to keep their feet off the coffee tables."
There has been no official announcement on what the President will attempt to nationalize next, but rumor has it that it might be the porn industry. "I should be everyone's pimp," Chavez was reportedly heard telling one of his advisors. He also often expressed the notion that all hot women should take part in adult films in order to "boost national morale."
- AFP "Chavez threatens to nationalize largest steel maker, banks". AFP, May 3, 2007