|This article is part of UnNews||Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?|
31 January 2007
CARACAS, Venezuela -- Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez made yet another spiritual visit on Monday to the dead Cuban leader Fidel Castro. This was Chavez's third visit to his comrade since the latter's death from belly button cancer last year. Crystal ball footage showed the two leaders mingling with demons and enjoying refreshments in the depths of Hell.
Castro looked much better than when he was last seen in October. Doctors say the hellish diet and warm temperatures are aiding his recovery. "I will be back in the mortal world and ruling Cuba in no time!", an optimistic Fidel announced to Chavez. Speculation mounted recently over Castro's condition, with some hypothesizing he may have even gone to Heaven.
Chavez assured Cubans that Castro is "of sound and clear mind" and still espousing the communist ideology that shaped his island country. In fact, he is said to be spreading "La Revolución" in Hell itself, so far having convinced Lucifer to abolish the demon hierarchy and "make them all equally poor." The concept has been greeted with enthusiasm by many of the damned human souls, who now get to suffer the same amount of torture and punishment, regardless of how severe their sins were.
Chavez is able to visit Castro via a mind-altering spiritual meditative process which only the most ardent socialist leaders are able to perform. Aside form him, only Bolivia's Evo Moralez, and North Korea's Kim Jong Il are known to be able to perform the ritual, although many suspect Massachusetts Senator Ted Kennedy of this ability as well. For Chavez, the procedure involves dipping himself in pure Venezuelan oil while smoking a Cuban cigar.
After communing with Castro in the spiritual realm, Chavez plans to make a visit to his physical body at a cemetery in Havana next month. Fidel's brother Raul has been keeping the grave clean and proper, in anticipation of Castro's inevitable and glorious return to power in Cuba. But the 75-year old Raul plans on visiting Castro in Hell himself in the near future. Rumors say that he may visit Darth Vader too.
- Anita Snow "Cuba TV shows (dead) Castro meeting with Chavez (alive)". AP, January 30, 2007