UnNews:Chas 'N' Dave Split Up. Thousands Mourn
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Chas 'N' Dave Split Up. Thousands Mourn
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Sunday, May 24, 2015, 17:38 (UTC)
17 April 2006
London, England--The twentieth century's greatest ever singer-songwriter duo, 'Chas 'N' Dave', have finally split up. From now on, they'll simply be known as 'Dave'. A statement was released today from 'Rabbit Records':
Everyone's favorite pair of genuine cockney, fun-lovin', mop-topped, moped-driving, monotheistic existentialists have called it a day. To mark the moment, the duo have released a final single: "Knees down". Thousands mourn down Limehouse way.
Chas 'N' Dave were first spotted in the Bricklayers Arms, by the famous Motown producer Berry Gordie, who'd got lost while looking for a new jacket near the Hackney by-pass. Chas was playing the piano. Dave played bass. Berry saw the future, and the future looked kind of like a giant party, with his Ma dancing on the table. She's a lovely woman, Berry's Ma. No one's got a nasty word to say against her. So when he saw her, in his vision of the future, Berry knew he had to drop Smokey Robinson and sign up Chas 'N' Dave instead. So that's exactly what happened.
Berry's decision, however, nearly brought Europe to the brink of war.
Chas 'N' Dave released a song called 'Gertcha'. The song revolved around the idea of having someone say the word 'Gertcha' over and over again, in a faintly amusing voice. So saying 'Gertcha' in a faintly amusing voice became the new craze all over England. People were running up behind other people, grabbing them in the ribs, and saying 'Gertcha'. Fathers did it to apprentice cabinet makers. Builders did it to voles. Within months, the country was threatening to collapse into civil war. If it had done so, the French might well have seized the opportunity and invaded. That would have caused the fragile Franco-German alliance to collapse, and the maelstrom would have been unleashed, and it would have all been Berry Gordie's fault.
Luckily, however, Chas 'N' Dave quickly released another song, called 'Snooker Loopy', which was all about how great snooker is. That was a lovely happy song. Everyone could sing along together. Snooker loopy, nuts are we. A simple message of unity that brought peace and prosperity to the land.
Chas, however, could never get over the guilt of having nearly caused a war. In the end, it drove him to become addicted to Mr. Kiplings Cherry Bakewells. And now, he's just had it up to 'ere, so he's off mate.
Dave asserts that he can do just was well without Chas. Some reports claim that when he went down the boozer of a Saturday, he'd often say that it was him who done it all and that Chas was just a fucking liability, to be honest. But city analysts are more circumspect about Dave's chances, asserting that there's not such a big market for lovable cockney bass players anymore, ever since Justin Timberlake exploded on the scene with his popular set of dance movements.