UnNews:Chancellor committed to preemptive war
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Chancellor committed to preemptive war
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Monday, August 21, 2017, 14:11:UTC)(
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This UnNews story is a reprint of an article, originally published on 12 August 1939, from Uncyclopedia.de, Nazi Germany's "Wiki that the master race can edit"
BERLIN, Germany -- The head of the National Socialist German Workers Party, Führer und Reichskanzler Hitler, announced yesterday a plan to free Deutschland from the threat of a militarized Poland.
"Ve haff lived mit zees Polanders unt zer veapons uf mass diztruction for too long! Zee zecurity uf our great nation iz et ztake! Ve cannot vait any longer!" said Chancellor Adolf Hitler in an obscenely stereotypical German accent during a rally held on the steps in front of the Reichstag.
The recently rebuilt Reichstag was badly damaged after being put to the torch as part of a communist plot in the spring of 1933. This terror attack, commonly referred to as 2/27, led the then Chancellor Adolf Hitler to insist that President Hindenburg ensure the safety and security of the German people by issuing the Reichstag Fire Decree, which allowed Germany's patriotic brownshirts to root out communists and those who sheltered them, no matter where the sleeper cells were hiding. Pawnshops, jewelry stores, and other businesses owned by die Juden proved to be rife with both communist conspirators and kykes.
"Ve haff cleansed Deutschland of zee Bolsheviks! Jahmany stood ztrong in ze face of their inzidious communizt plotzen! Now ve must put down anuzzah threat; that of ze Polish veapons of mazz diztruction unt ze entire Rydz-Śmigły regime!" he continued, his thick accent growing steadily more incomprehensible as his speech progressed. "Memberz of ze Schutzstaffel haff proof zat ze dezpicable dezpot of Poland, Edward Rydz-Śmigły, haz attempted to purchiz deadly nerve gazzes vom zentralen Afrika!"
The investigation that followed the terror attack of 2/27 concluded that Poland had attempted on at least one occasion to buy deadly Sarin gas from central Africa. Unpatriotic naysayers and communists question the evidence, and point out that Africa lacks any WMD material whatsoever, with the exception of those which Italy had dropped on villages in Ethiopia during 'Operation Land Grab' in the mid-1930s. The purely defensive actions by invading Italian forces during the Second Italo-Abyssinian War used mustard and phosgene gases purchased from L'il Deutschlander's Olde Time Chemikalien unt Gases Shoppe, Germany's largest retailer of gases, from hydrogen for dirigibles to chemical weapons for clearing darkies from places better filled with Italians and their livestock.
Additionally these communist traitors say that the dark continent contains only "...niggers and useless radioactive dirt..." and "...the Polish are years away from creating a home-grown WMD of any kind, as they're still conducting trials to figure out how many of them it takes to change a light bulb..." said one of men exposed by the 2/27 commission, before facing the firing squad after his show trial.
"Anschluss provided ze goot zitizens of Jahmany mit ze breazing room zat iz required for our pure Aryan blood to flow from our ztrong Jahman heartz to ze limbz of Austria. Ze peazeful annexzation of ze Sudetenland gave ze robust Jahman fingers room to viggle. Viggle for ein freedom unt democracy!" Hitler continued, his accent growing thicker and more cartoonish with each word, "Nexzt ve muzt disarm the tiger of ze eazt. Poland haz ztood too long in ze vay of peaze in Europe. Nuh-zink vill ztop us. Nuh-zink!"
TIME magazine's Man of the Year for 1938 then stood aside, citing a prior engagement for a meeting on the Third Reich's summer camp program. That program was initiated to temporarily ease the burden on infrastructure caused by the lesser races by giving them a vacation away from the many overcrowded cities of the steadily expanding Reich. His press secretary, Yosef "Joseph" ben Avraham ha-Rav, stepped in to finish the speech, before the parade portion of the rally began with a giant procession of Jägermeister tanks and goose-stepping Panzergrenadiers from the 39th Schadenfreude Division. On a side stage Reichsluftfahrtminister Goering and his aide-de-camp crooned to victory in the karaoke contest with their rendition of Ivory and Ivory, but a book burning and the swimsuit competition scheduled for that evening were canceled at the last minute due to inclement weather.
"First, we will engage in a pre-emptive war with Poland. We are confident that our Blitzkrieg technique, developed by the superior minds of Deutschland's blonde-haired and blue-eyed soldiers, will shock and awe them into submission." said Yosef in a crisp, immaculate manner, "This will cause a minimum amount of damage to Poland's vital rail system, which we will then use to ship in labour to construct and populate our summer camp program. These simple folk with their simple minds will, no doubt, enjoy the many unvarying and repetitive activities that the camps will provide. Their eternal comfort is our number one priority; with the incredible spa facilities and state-of-the-art central heating at the camps I suspect that they will enjoy themselves so much that many, if not all, will choose to never leave. The Führer calls it 'The final solution for fun!'. He's got a great sense of humour, that guy."
Yoseph, due for retirement after several decades of loyal and dedicated service to the State, closed by stating his plans for the future, "I've seen the blueprints for Treblinka. The trip there by boxcar is supposed to be very scenic and the camp itself will be positively breathtaking. Himmler tells me that the exercise and clean air will help me burn off this spare tire. Heck, if it's anything like the artists' renderings, I might just spend my last years there."
Stalin agreed to join the multinational peacemaking force, the 'Coalizion uf der Villing', after German diplomats promised that after victory half of Poland would fall under Russian jurisdiction, for policing, pogroms and the like. Although other members of the coalition have lent moral support, only the USSR under "Uncle Joe" Stalin, has agreed to send troops. The annexation of Poland is expected to ensure that the peace that has spanned Europe since the cessation of the Great War will continue until the start of the next one.
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