UnNews:Celebrity wins Father of the Year Award
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Celebrity wins Father of the Year Award
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Saturday, March 17, 2018, 16:52:UTC)(
25 April 2007
Holland, Michigan- From their Michigan based headquarters, the Fathers United for Children’s Knowledge and Education Resources Society (F.U.C.K.E.R.S.) announced the winner of their Father of the Year award, Alec Baldwin.
President and founder of the F.U.C.K.E.R.S. Harold Balsaque cited Baldwin’s unwillingness to put up any child of his becoming rude, thoughtless pigs as the primary reason for honoring the actor who has appeared in the films Along Came Polly, Cat in the Hat, and Notting Hill.
“We tried schedule an award ceremony for him,” Balsaque told reporters, “but sadly, we could never get a hold of him. Still, he has called us back and left us plenty of messages. I must admit, Alec hates to play phone tag.”
Alec Baldwin was indeed touched and honored. “It is a great feeling knowing that, even though I’m in a huge custody battle for my daughter as well as being driven to the edge by parental alienation, the Society recognizes all the work I’ve been doing as a parent. Still, if those assholes don’t pick up their goddamn phone the next time I call them, I’ll punch them so hard they’ll piss blood for a year!”
Kim Basinger, the ex-wife of Baldwin who has been in such films as Bless the Child, Wayne’s World 2 and Cool World also was stunned, “What? You’re kidding me! He wins father of the year despite the nasty voicemail I, err… uh… that someone leaked to the press? Come on! This is the last thing I needed. I mean, it's not like I'm the one on a critically acclaimed sitcomright now. Shit.”
Ireland Baldwin, the daughter in question, was unavailable for comment as she was at an L.A. spa taking in a mud bath.