UnNews:Cause of global warming discovered
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Cause of global warming discovered
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Monday, March 19, 2018, 19:09:UTC)(
3 September 2008
NEW YORK, New York - After several years of debating both its existence and its cause, scientists worldwide have finally discovered the cause of one of the most important issues the world is facing. No, not the Iraq War. Not the fact that a black guy is set to become the President of the United States, either. No, it's GLOBAL WARMING!!!
"We were pleasantly surprised when we made this discovery," said John H.W. Nixon, one of the world's leading scientists and trusted Conservapedian. "This is one of the greatest achievements we in the scientific community have ever made! Even greater than the time we proved Darwinism wrong! We have (finally) made the connection between global warming and abortion!"
"This is a once in a lifetime discovery," the glorious, sexy, and unbelievably intelligent President George W. Bush said in a statement sent to the press. "At least Al Gore (sic) will have to shut up about my CO2 factory 'destroying' the environment. He's just jealous my daddy paid off the Supreme Court, I mean... I won fair and square!"
This discovery was followed by an announcement by McCain's vice-presidential running mate, the unbelievably popular and extremely experienced Governor Palin of Alaska (The greatest and most important state in the Union, by the way). She said that her daughter was "keeping her baby" to help combat global warming. After the announcement was made, John McCain soared to 117% (Hehe! 117!) in the national polls, compared to that guy's -12%. Even polar bears and Eskimos are now stating their support for McCain. Thank God for Palin!
Sadly, there is a bad side to this story. Gay marriage can no longer be blamed for global warming. Luckily, the Vatican has begun scouring the Bible for other bad things that homosexuality causes. The research is expected to have found something by the end of the month.
- Wolf Wolf "McCain gets boost in polls". CNN, September 1, 2008
- The great Bill O'Reilly "Madonna dedicates one of her old songs to Palin's daughter, Gets rave reviews". FOX NEWS, September 1, 2008
- Pastor Jeremiah Armstrong "Supporters cheer anti gay statements by McCain". GodTube, August 30, 2008
- Priest Rap E. Boiz "Gays not to blame! ... For global warming, anyway...". BBC NEWS, August 31, 2008