UnNews:Catholic Church to ordain reptilian priest
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Catholic Church to ordain reptilian priest
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Sunday, August 30, 2015, 18:53:UTC)(
28 March 2010
BOSTON, Massachusetts -- Logan International Airport has seen an unusual number of clergy passing through security, as members of the Roman Catholic hierarchy gather to implement a recent change in the Pope's attitude toward ordaining non-humans. Most notable of these is Rev. Father Clyde "Right Turn" Meninges, who was appointed as the first non-human Primate of the Roman Catholic Archdiocese of Utrecht, the Netherlands by Pope Benedict XVI in 2009.
The Archdiocese of Boston has the honor of welcoming the first monster and non-primate into the priesthood of the Roman Catholic Church. The monster formerly known as Godzilla will be granted entry into the Jesuit Order of the Catholic priesthood. The behemoth, who holds 4 PhD degrees in sciences and letters, will be a welcome addition to the Church's intellectual arm. "Being of a scholarly bent, I felt a natural attraction to the Jesuits," said the monster during an interview with Vogue magazine last month.
Raised by Shinto parents, Godzilla came to the Church at age 12 after he was orphaned by a bombing raid on Tokyo, then sheltered at a Catholic orphanage. He was adopted by the family of an American Marine stationed in Okinawa, and attended Catholic schools and universities. He says, "the Church feels like my home."
In a recent Encyclical, the Papacy has declared that "all living things with a brain are sentient, and therefore, worthy of salvation. This includes mammals, reptiles, amphibians, birds, and some of the more intelligent mushrooms."
Some cynics see this as a move to swell the Church's membership for tax purposes, and overcome the unpopularity of Catholic doctrine with regard to abortion, birth control, and celibacy among the clergy. Others believe the Church is backpedaling to keep current with unanticipated consequences of science, as though this would soften the concept of Papal Infallibility for critical thinkers. "This way, the Pope is ready in case we discover intelligent aliens," says the Amazing Randy of Skeptic Magazine.
|This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.|
Since 1999, the church has been grappling with the problem of recruitment for seminaries and nunneries. "We've had to close too many outstanding facilities due to a lack of seminary applicants, and many of the younger members of the community are unwilling to submit to a frighteningly large ejaculation probe." says Father Lupo Fieri of the Vatican Public Relations office. "In this new millennium, the Holy Father gave us the wisdom to regard all primates as fellow sentients, and wonderful souls like Sister Monkey Theresa, founder of the Our Sister of Sacred Simian nunnery, and Archbishop Clyde Meninges have heeded the call to service for Christ."