UnNews:Carter blasts Bush (and everyone else)
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Carter blasts Bush (and everyone else)
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Friday, December 2, 2016, 19:58:UTC)(
11 October 2007
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PEANUT FARM, GA - Peanut farmer and former president Jimmy Carter blasted President George W. Bush, saying the current leader of the free world, as the media always bills the sitting president, is “anti-goober.” Carter’s longsuffering wife, Roslyn, said, of her husband, “I wish Jimmy had never won that blasted Peace Prize. It’s gone to his head. He never shuts up.”
Asked what President Carter meant by describing President Bush as “anti-goober,” the former first lady replied, “I doubt he knows himself what, if anything, he meant. He’s so full of himself after receiving that Nobel prize that he pontificates upon anything and everything, non-stop, as if he’s a latter-day King Solomon.”
Carter said, “Bush is not really a Texan. Don’t let him fool you. He’s not even an American. Moreover, by rights, he ought not to be president. He stole that job from Al Gore, the inventor of the Internet.”
According to Carter, Bush’s foreign policy is “as tattered as Roslyn’s pet sow’s ears” and Laura Bush is “a transsexual.” He also said that the first family’s daughters are “uglier than Chelsea and Amy,” and “one of them is an alcoholic, like her father.”
“They’re not really twins, either, you know,” he added.
President Carter said he’s “looking forward to Jesus’ second coming,” and predicts that it will take place “within the next few years, if not sooner.” He and evangelist Pat Robertson agree on this point, he admits, and concur that President Bush is “doing everything he can to usher in Armageddon.” Bush, he added, is “the antichrist.”
Former president Bill Clinton, asked what he thinks about Carter’s attacks on Bush, said, “Jimmy’s always been a joker.” However, Clinton suggested that “the joke’s gone far enough” and that, if Carter continues to bash Bush, “the joke’s liable to be on him, and President Bush may have the last laugh.”
Presidential candidate Hillary Clinton chuckled at what she referred to as Carter’s “one-liners,” but agreed with her husband, the future first gentleman, that Carter should exercise caution: “He who laughs last, laughs best,” she reminded the peanut farmer.
“They’re anti-goober, too,” Carter said, upon hearing of the Clintons’ advice.
“There he goes again,” former president Ronald Reagan might have said, were he here to hear Carter’s quips.
“Jimmy,” Rosalyn interrupted her husband’s tirade, “It’s time for your medication.”
“You’re anti-goober, too,” the former president decreed.
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