This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-microsecond misinformation.
9 March 2013
VATICAN -- Roman Catholic cardinals are preparing to conclave on Tuesday to choose a new Pope to replace Pope Benedict XVI , who is the latest Pontiff to resign since God created the world some 5000 years ago. According to highly reliable sources, the unnatural Papal selection procedure clearly specifies that the last cardinal to survive a succession of gladiatorial matches is to be declared the winner. But because MMA is no longer considered trendy, church authorities have instead decided to resort to the fine art of Russian Roulette – a more civilized process which better ensures that the new Pontiff’s selection is based on divine grace rather than brute force or cunning.
Papal spokesman Father Lumbago explained the revised conclave procedure to reporters. On Tuesday morning the 115 cardinals will gather at the Vatican, and will begin the matches after prayers and vespers. During the conclave, all prospective Popes will be paired off to compete at Russian Roulette, gradually reducing their numbers until only one remains.
But not all members are keen on the process. Italian newspapers have been publishing what they say are leaked details of heated debates among cardinals on problems they all face as possible losers of the elimination process. Many even began to weigh blind faith versus the law of averages versus the will of The Virgin – which is a pretty hard call.
Vatican press secretary Father Thomas told reporters that the Russian Roulette conclave would begin with the cardinals voting on the issue of possibly not considering the matter at all for a year or so. Some members opined that a Pope was really not needed, others thought that there could be 115 Popes, while others argued in favor of using blanks during the elimination procedure.
Under stone-age law, the cardinals have eternity to either stall or to man-up and choose a new leader for the 1.2 billion-strong Catholic sheeple. Vatican staff members have been preparing the Sistine Chapel, where the conclave will take place, installing the two pistols and ammo that will produce white smoke during each round of the selection process. The last man alive will then receive recognition as His Holiness Pope CCLXVI - Clare benedixit.
- Repeater "Cardinals vote on date for conclave to choose new Pope". BBC, March 9, 2013