UnNews:Carbon Friendly Cable Channel to Launch
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Carbon Friendly Cable Channel to Launch
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Friday, September 30, 2016, 05:00:UTC)(
16 July 2008
Lexington, Kentucky, USA - Mountaintop Communications announced today the launch of a new satellite television service to be known as the Carbo Channel. "In today's carbon intensive environment, we felt there was an untapped market for such a channel" says MC Chairman Biff Smokestack. Adding, "Joining the multitude of digital cable channels, we feel our new channel will compliment current offerings such as Speed, QVC, Al Jezeera and other carbon lifestyle channels.
Lexington, Kentucky was recently named the US City with the largest per capita carbon foot print in America. "It is no coincidence, we didn't achieve that honor without a dedicated community effort", said Lexington spokesman, Johnny Thistleseed. Programming for the new service will include: "Mountaintop Makeovers", "Coal Slurry Raft Ride Survival", and the cooking show Grilling with Gas and Charcoal BOTH!". Corporate sponsor SixDonald's has agreed to bulldoze one square foot of rain forest for each rating point increase during sweeps. SixDonald's raises much of their bovine food burgers production units in the rain forest region. Genetically modified to tolerate the region, the animals are native to the blighted deserts.
Carbo Americans that wish to add this channel, need to call their cable operator and say "Carbo Me Please". Satellite dish owners can pick up a free de-scrambler at any Hummer dealership or Exxon station. The channel is not available in Massachusetts, Oregon, Seattle or the Twin Cities (Except the Mall of America).
- WKYT "Lexington Ranks number one in Carbon Big Feet". Brookings_institute, "May 29, 2008
- ilovemountains.org "Mountaintop Makeovers - CC's Number One Show". Mountaintop_removal, July 16, 2008
- Discovery Communications "Rival Channels". Planet_Green, July 16, 2008
- Martin Co, KY "Slurry Rafting!". Martin_County_sludge_spill, February 15, 2006
- SixDonalds Dept of Corporate Information "SixDonald's Rainforest Reduction Program". Rainforest_Alliance, June 1, 1996