UnNews:Car flips over during A-team shootout
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Car flips over during A-team shootout
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Thursday, January 19, 2017, 11:18:UTC)(
17 March 2006
In a shocking turn of events yesterday, a car flew through the air and landed upside down during a shootout involving the A-team and a corrupt sheriff and his gang of thugs. No one was injured.
The A-team are a notorious band of Vietnam veterans, convicted of a Hanoi bank robbery during the Vietnam war. They managed to escape after their coviction and have escaped the law ever since, making their money as hired soldiers. Rumour has it that the group was falsely convicted of the crime and fights solely for 'just causes'. Yesterday afternoon, in the small town of Pine Grove, Oregon, the A-team encountered the town's corrupt sheriff, whose gambling racket they had been hired to eliminate by the daughter of one of the sheriff's victims. As the A-team and the sheriff's gang of thugs engaged each other in one of the A-team's emblematic shootouts, the situation escalated.
"It was absolutely horrible." Explains Lt. Templeton "Faceman" Peck. "We've done this sort of thing a million times before, and nothing like this has ever happened. It was just your ordinary run-of-the-mill Uzi's and shotguns shootout, and all of a sudden they decide to get into their car and bail out. Not a smart move, but nothing out of the ordinary. But then, I suppose he just lost control of the car. As they headed full speed for that sloping rock over there, I realised what was going to happen. When the car shot through the air, my heart just stopped. The car shot up, turned 180 degrees and landed on it's roof, absolutely horrifying to watch. When the car finally came to a stop, I can't describe to you the thoughts going through my mind. When they did finally emerge, alive and well, I was so relieved. That's all I am right now, is relieved that they're allright. We immediately called them an ambulance, of course, but it looks they they just got roughed up a little."Sgt. B. A. "Bad Attitude" Baracus maintained a more stoic attitude. "They couldn't win and they knew it. Fools didn't think. It's their own fault. We didn't start no trouble.
They messed up, they got messed up, that's how it is.", commented the team's driver, his voice trembling with emotion despite his tough exterior.
Captain H.M. "Howlin' Mad" Murdock, the team's pilot, usually quick with a joke, held a more somber outlook over the team's involvement in the spectacular crash. "This is our fault. I've been saying it over and over again, we're too reckless. We always just barge into adventure, guns blazing. That sort of thing has to go wrong somewhere, and now it has. It's a godsend that they're allright, but who knows what could've happened. They could have sustained serious injuries... or worse", added Cap. Murdock, tentatively. "I've told Hannibal [the team's leader, Col. John "Hannibal" Smith. ed] time and time again that we need to approach these situations more diplomatically. Just this morning when the sheriff locked us into a barn, with nothing but a van, twelve plates of sheetmetal, a blowtorch and some powertools, I told him that we needed to think things through more. We never consider the diplomatic approach. Talking can sometimes do much more to resolve a situation than violence. We always play rough, and when you play rough, people get hurt. That's what happened today, and I blame Hannibal".
"He's pretty quick to condemn Hannibal, but I think that's unfair", said Lt. Peck, defending the Colonel. "Hannibal is more shaken up by this than any of us. When the car hit that rock, he dropped his Uzi, and just stood there with his hands to his face. When the sheriff and his men finally crawled out, Hannibal just ran to them, screaming 'oh my god, are you allright?'. As the ambulancemen were examining them, Hannibal whispered to me: 'This is all our fault, Face. Just think what could've happened.'"
Col. Smith himself said he was unable to comment on the matter. Since the accident the A-Team and the sheriff have decided to cease their violence, and have agreed to discuss the situation peacefully. The sheriff is expected to return to the side of the law, abandoning his illegal basement casino and extortion of the town's populace, whereas the A-team have commented they will allow the sherrif to remain in office, instead of driving him out of town, tarred, feathered, drawn, quartered and hanged before being launched into an active volcano in a horrific fireball of death as was their original intention.