UnNews:Captain Obvious teams up with top detective
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Captain Obvious teams up with top detective
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Friday, May 6, 2016, 11:20:UTC)(
9 May 2007
Blatant City, USA, Wednesday Word has just come in that a major international crime cartel was broken up by ace-crimefighter Captain Obvious, working in tandem with Scotland Yard's top detective, No-Shit Sherlock.
The international crime cartel - known to its members as the "Cartel of Crime (International)" - was being run by the archvillain known only as the Clue Giver.
"The clue giver is known by this alias because of his habit of giving clues to the authorities," said Captain Obvious.
"These clues invariably refer to his crimes, and help detectives to solve them," added Sherlock.
Captain Obvious was following one of these clues when he met up with No-Shit Sherlock. "My clue was the murdered corpse of a Cartel of Crime (International) agent, who had a note pinned to his chest reading 'I killed this man, signed the Clue Giver.' From this, I was able to deduce that the Clue Giver was the guilty party."
In England (that friendly little island in the sea), No-Shit Sherlock had discovered another clue. "I received a green box with a question mark painted on it. Inside was a slip of paper, on which the Clue Giver had drawn a map leading to his headquarters, together with notorised affidavits in which he confessed to his various myriad crimes. From this, I was able to deduce both his location and his criminal culpability. I set out at once to his hideout on Clue Giver Hideout Island."
Meanwhile, Captain Obvious had taken the note he found on the dead guy to the crime lab, where he showed it to top forensic scientist Slow-Down-There Einstein, who immediately declared it to be a note, covered with letters making up words in the English language. Later, by examining the postmark, the return address on the envelope and the Postal Return Receipt, all of which recited the same address, the suspicion arose that it had been mailed from Clue Giver Island Hideout.
"That's where the Clue Giver's secret base is located," said Captain Obvious, "If I am to apprehend this miscreant, I will have to travel to the aforesaid location."
Captain Obvious and No-Shit Sherlock met up on the island.
"It's you," declared Obvious, to which Sherlock replied "It's you."
The two were momentarily perplexed by the Clue Giver's fiendish lair defenses. But then Sherlock declared that "the entry door is marked push, when in fact it should be marked pull"
"So that is why it's not opening. If we are to enter, I must stop pushing and start pulling, and the sooner the better."
The two broke into the evil base, and defeated the Clue Giver and his cartel with Hostess® Brand Twinkies™
"Mm! With their golden pastry and creamy filling, Hostess® Twinkies™ are irresistible!" declared the Clue Giver.
To this, Obvious and Sherlock replied "Well, duh!"