UnNews:Capital One Employees Rape, Pillage Office Building
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Capital One Employees Rape, Pillage Office Building
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Thursday, July 30, 2015, 20:20:UTC)(
13 February 2007
RICHMOND, Virginia - On the third day of a strike by Capital One employees, originally brought on by halted contract negotiations, The Capital One Corporate Campus has been pillaged and burned to the ground by a marauding band of barbarians.
In a strategic strike, a barbarian horde, best-known for being featured in Capital One commercials, attacked Capital One office buildings across the United States. During the attacks, they raped female "scab" workers, pillaged credit card information, and set-fire to the local villages. During an incidence in Los Angeles, the barbarians seemed to forget what order to do this in, causing many to die while busy raping and pillaging, as the building was already on fire.
In a short interview, Richard D. Fairbank, CEO of Capitol One Financial, expressed that he was very disappointed that contract negoations had been frozen early last week. "It is a shame we couldn't reach an agreement with our employees, and that such drastic measures were taken by some of the striking workers. This is a tragedy in all forms. One would have hoped that Pinkerton National Detective Agency, the private security firm we pay to protect our buildings, would have prevented a malicious, violent, well-armed barbarian horde from penetrating our facilities and women, but I guess you just don't get what you pay for anymore."
The leader of the barbarian horde, Uda Gunis Kon, was overheard giving a rousing speech to his men before attacking the Capital One Corporate Campus in Richmond, VA. "Uda gaga! UDA GAGA! OOOOOOGGGGH!" he yelled at his men, raising their spirits and launching them into a beserker frenzy. The horde then attacked the building, destroying all semblance of order, and striking a blow for Union Labor everywhere.
The attacks took the corporate world by storm. Many companies now feel that they could be vulnerable to attacks by their very own barbarian hordes. Most companies , however, gave no fear, as they have never hired a barbarian horde. Others, however, have hired The A-Team, and thusly fear the vengeance of Sgt. B.A. Baracus. Meanwhile, on Wall Street, many highly over-paid and over-rated analysts believe that this may lower the company's stock prices a bit, so far, no immediate effect has been noticed.