|This article is part of UnNews||Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?|
11 January 2007
edit Canadian Intelligence caught spying on DARPA
Several Canadian coins were found to contain listening devices on the persons of several high ranking military contractors. According to Tony Snow press secretary for the White House, the President is quoted as saying "We will search out the CLD's and establish democracy in Canada" In an official statement from the Canadian Consulate in D.C. The ambassador read "We have no idea what this is aboot, eh?".
The coins were noted as suspicious when it became apparent that they put off an electro-magnetic signature that when lowered in frequency resembled the music of Celine Dion. The Department of Homeland Securityhas raised the Terror Alert level to Labatt Blue in response to this discovery and all air traffic to Canada has been grounded.
Colin Powell, spokesman for the Defense Advanced Research Projects Agency or (DARPA) has stated "The specifics of the project that has been compromised is classified, however you may find all information pertaining to this security leak by searching Google or simply subscribing to The Onion.
As a result of this act of Espionage by the Canadian government, all residents of the United States who have recently visited Canada are politely requested to be screened at their local FEMA
death camp Erm... Citizenship Verification Facility. It is has been stated that "While attendance is not required, all citizen in question who do not attend will be labeled enemy combatants and sent for rigorous torture reeducation at the facility of the traitorous bastard's citizen's choice.
If you should happen notice and suspicious behavior from the Canuck residents in your area, it is suggested you contact your local Homeland Insecurity office and
snitch on report the alleged Canadian Infidel.
edit See Also