UnNews:Canada seeks admission to United States on technicality
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Canada seeks admission to United States on technicality
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Saturday, September 5, 2015, 14:44:UTC)(
11 September 2006
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WASHINGTON D.C., United States - The nation of Canada has brought suit against the United States of America seeking to gain admission to the United States as the 51st state. When asked what possessed his nation to seek statehood, the Prime Minister of Canada remarked, "We are mighty sick of those Americans driving their big cars polluting our air, causing global warming, giving us summer and melting our glaciers so we're doing something about it, eh? We will gain statehood and then we will use our population to get enough electoral votes to make sure that the democrats win Presidential elections for the foreseeable future. After watching that there Inconvenient Truth movie, I'm pretty sure we'll be getting that Al Gore fella eight years, eh?"
The case, which is expected to reach the United States Supreme Court before the end of the year, hinges on technicalities in the founding documents of the United States. According to Canada, they were offered statehood 225 years ago and they never turned down the offer nor was it rescinded at any point by the United States. United States Attorney General Alberto Gonzalez, when asked for comment, replied, "It would be improper for me to comment on the case without knowing all of the relevant facts. That is a hypothetical question that would involve an analysis of a great number of factors." He then sipped deliberately from a glass of water and flirtatiously batted his dreamy brown eyes at the reporters.
According to the Canadian legal staff, the United States Articles of Confederation, which were written and accepted by Congress November 15, 1777 and subsequently ratified and put in force March 1, 1781, contains a clause admitting Canada to the United States. The clause, known as Article XI, reads, "Canada acceding to this confederation, and adjoining in the measures of the United States, shall be admitted into, and entitled to all the advantages of this Union; but no other colony shall be admitted into the same, unless such admission be agreed to by nine States." Canada is using this clause as the basis of their claim to statehood.
Canada's claim was initially written off on the grounds that the Articles of Confederation have long since been replaced by the Constitution of the United States. However, Canada's legal staff have put forth the argument that the Constitution of the United States supercedes but does not replace the Articles of Confederation. If Canada is able to successfully argue that the Constitution of the United States merely supercedes the Articles of Confederation, then they will be well on their way to proving their right to statehood as the Constitution of the United States in no way cancels out the Articles of Confederation's invitation to Canada.
The central element of the argument that the Articles of Confederation are still in effect is that the Constitution of the United States were adopted in a manner that was not in accord with the amendment process laid out in the Articles of Confederation. The amendment process for the Articles of Confederation are laid out in Article XIII, stated as, "the Articles of this Confederation shall be inviolably observed by every State, and the Union shall be perpetual; nor shall any alteration at any time hereafter be made in any of them; unless such alteration be agreed to in a Congress of the United States, and be afterwards confirmed by the legislatures of every State."
The Constitution of the United States was not put into place under the Articles of Confederation as it was put into effect under its own Article VII, which reads, "The Ratification of the Conventions of nine States, shall be sufficient for the Establishment of this Constitution between the States so ratifying the same." Since the Constitution of the United States was not put into effect under the methods laid out by the Articles of Confederation, Canada may have a very powerful means for arguing against the replacement of the Articles of Confederation by the Constitution of the United States.
In a press conference held by President Bush and United States legal council, Attorney General Alberto Gonzales, the President said, "Don't worry America, They've got oil up there and they like hunting. We'll just have some beers and gas prices will go down a bit; nothing to worry about. Wait! What?! They poll almost completely Democrat! How can people who like hunting vote Democrat?! Al, you're the Attorney General aren't you? Well, get this thing fixed!"