|This article is part of UnNews||Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?|
5 October 2012
SACRAMENTO, California -- Governor Jerry Brown has signed a bill banning licensed mental health providers from treating teenagers and children who belong to the Bloods street gang and attempting "to change behaviors or gang-related expressions, or to eliminate or reduce violent or murderous impulses or feelings toward individuals wearing blue."
The signing, on Saturday, is seen as a follow-on bill banning comparable gay-to-straight "therapy," and comes after months of unrest about the movement which sought to "Crip-ple California". The historic division of young people into rival gangs of blue and red began in the 1960s, when life had become so bourgeois and decadent for African-American people in the Golden State, that they decided to "stop focusing on the Man and concentrate more on making each other's lives miserable." The fears were that such "Criptonizing" therapy would remove the stabilizing presence of black-on-black crime in the state, and drive African-Americans back to the "bad old days" of quaffing avocados and white wine whilst tutting about house prices.
In a press conference, Governor Brown described the bill: "This bans non-scientific 'therapies' that have driven young people to depression and suicide. These practices have no basis in science or medicine and they will now be relegated to the dustbin of quackery." When asked whether it wasn't a bit stupid to say "relegated to the dustbin," the Governor refused to comment, but was more open to the idea of discussing what a "dustbin of quackery" would look like. The press conference ended with the Governor leading officials and journalists in a chorus of quacks.
Bloods rights campaigners have welcomed the announcement. Leroy Griffin, the president of the Bloods is Best campaign, which petitioned Brown to pass the law, stated "Blood youth will now be protected from a practice that has not only been debunked as junk science, but has been proven to have drastically negative effects on their well-being. What up bitches!"
However Denzel Kendell from the National Center for Blue T-shirts stated: "This is wack. All we wants to do is reach out to the community, you know what I'm saying? Get a few brothas wearing blue 'stead of red. We go in there making logical arguments, is all, and these red faggots be scared of that shit, that we be taking all they young soldiers... Look Old Sport, is that enough for a quote? It's absolutely exhausting talking like this all day, it saps one's energy like you can't imagine. OK, fantastic, anything else, just give me a tinkle. Cheerio!"