UnNews:California To Kill Half of Population To Fix Budget Crisis
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California To Kill Half of Population To Fix Budget Crisis
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Saturday, May 23, 2015, 00:11 (UTC)
30 January 2009
SACRAMENTO, CALIF. - The recession in America has been bad, but especially in California. Even the state is going bankrupt, with a $16B deficit. Governator Arnold Schwarzenegger, however, has a solution. Kill half the population.
“It's simple.”, said the Governator at a press conference. “If you remove half of the population, you spend half as less. Plus, you can kill 3 birds with one stone. It'll take care of illegal immigration, poverty, and over-crowdedness.” When asked about details about who will be killed, he said that it was “above his pay grade”, leaving speculators to believe that God is planning a massive earthquake to befall California.
People who know higher math were quick to criticize the Governator's plan, stating that the deficit would not be solved, leaving an $8B deficit. Democrats stated that a tax hike would solve the rest and praised the Governator for a “clever solution” to the budget crisis. State senate majority leader Dean Florez proclaimed that the plan is "far more practical" than the Governator's previous plan, which involved going back in time and killing Alan Greenspan's mother.
The proposed massacre met mixed opinions in the public eye. According a gallup poll, 12% stated that the Governator's actions were “brilliant”, 34% said that the plan would not “work”, and 54% were certain that “someone else” would be killed.