UnNews:COCKS embraced: Lawsuit filed against Cedric the Entertainer
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COCKS embraced: Lawsuit filed against Cedric the Entertainer
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Wednesday, July 29, 2015, 14:01:UTC)(
17 May 2008
Los Angles, CA-- The brisk afternoon air was filled with hallow inspiration, foolish hope, and the overwhelming stench of hobos baking in the sun as Cedric the Entertainer and executives from Universal Studios took the stage. Tents were pitched for weeks; presumably to celebrate the announcement of the 2010 release date of the studio's latest project, a remake of the 1986 cult comedy classic, Back To School (originally starring the late great Rodney Dangerfield).
A moment that was expected to be glorious quickly turned ugly and riotous as the group calling themselves the Citizens Offering Comedic Kindness and Sensibility (or simply COCKS) rose up to protest the announcement. One of the angriest, dirtiest, and unshaven of the COCKS unexpectedly urinated before unenthusiastically proclaiming:
|This is blasphemous! I really can't believe this shit is happening! Even in death Rodney gets no respect; no respect I tell ya. Mark my words. Cedric best watch his black ass. There will always be some scarred COCKS looking to seek revenge. That dumb son of a bitch is gonna die for this!|
The massive crowd of COCKS grew to a thunderous roar as eager on-lookers rushed to join the protest (throwing garbage, infant children, and miscellaneous small change at the stage). Police officers were called to the scene and spit on by the surly mob of COCKS after a slightly inebriated Burt Young (Paulie of Rocky fame and costar of the original film) physically assaulted several members of the security detail protecting Cedric. As the police beat the COCKS back, Young was forcibly removed from the protest and taken into custody. Young vomited before shouting:
|Cedric the Entertainer? Who the fuck did you ever entertain you cocksucker? You're not hard like these COCKS. You're not hard like me. I'm fucking Burt Young!|
Following the protest, inspired by the words of Young, the agitated COCKS (along side hundreds of other concerned citizens) proudly marched to city hall and formally filed a class-action lawsuit against Cedric for misrepresentation of character leading to unforeseeable financial and emotional anguish. Ignacius PowarKock (head of the COCKS) stated:
|I'm confident of our chances here. The evidence is definitely in our favor. We COCKS deserve the chance to stand and have our day in court. We may not be able to stop Back To School from being made, but we can still try to stop Cedric the so-called Entertainer.|
The case is set to be heard in a California court sometime in early 2009. The plaintiffs are requesting $50,000,000 in damages. Cedric the Entertainer would later release the following statement:
|I really don't know what this shit is all about. I've always tried to love COCKS. They have a lot to offer in the way of humor. Well, I won't stand for this. I'll take on any COCKS that want to get all up in my face and demand money. I'll see them dicks in court. Oh and by the way, fuck Charity!|
If victorious, the COCKS have vowed to donate their portion of the settlement to Charity, a bulimic one legged stripper down at The Queen of Tarts Gentleman's Club, a woman who has dedicated her much troubled life to truly entertaining COCKS.