UnNews:CNN wins New Hampshire Primary, narrowly beating Fox News

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9 January 2008

Unnews blitzer win
CNN's Wolf Blitzer holds a statuette symbolizing one of the New Hampshire delegates his network won in the state's primary.

CONCORD, NH -- In the nation's first primary of the season, cable news pioneer CNN narrowly beat out Fox News among the state's viewers. Based on Nielsen Polls and 58% of precincts reporting, Ted Turner's network garnered 40% of TV fans, 3 percent ahead of Fox News, with MSNBC in distant third with 17%. Analysts attributed the surprising victory mainly to Wolf Blitzer's neatly trimmed beard. But it also proved that "experience" did play a role in viewers' choices, as CNN has been on the scene for far longer than newcomer Fox News.

Despite the third-place showing, and 2nd place in Iowa last week, MSNBC vowed to stay in the race, said its spokesman Keith Olbermann. Campaign strategist Tim Russert further asserted that "South Carolina and Michigan" will be key states for the lackluster network. Meanwhile, officials at Fox News were reportedly fuming, with Bill O'Reilly allegedly beating up another Obama staffer after the loss. Supreme Overlord Rupert Murdoch ordered a shakeup of his network's producers, literally shaking some of them up with his gangly arms.

Lesser news network barely made it on the board in the New Hampshire primary. CSPAN registered a mere 1% viewership, and broadcast networks ABC and CBS even less than that. But neither of the latter to even bother with the election in New Hampshire, hedging all their best on the "Super Tuesday" states during sweeps week. That gamble may prove costly now, as with 2 primaries behind us and the momentum of the frontrunners, the broadcast networks may be forced out of the running very soon.

In a victory speech late Tuesday night, CNN's Jack Cafferty promised viewers "a wave of change" in network programming, promising that "after the writer's strike, sitcoms will be good again." Shortly afterwards, Lou Dobbs thanked all the viewers in the state, except the illegal immigrants. Larry King meanwhile echoed John F Kennedy when he dramatically said, "ask not what your cable provider can do for you, ask how much you're willing to pay for HDTV!"

As the race heads towards sweeps week, when 22 states will hold their primaries, the leading TV contenders have to start thinking about their prospects in the general election. The presumptive nominee from the opposing Internet party is YouTube. Party chairman Ted Stevens recently boldly predicted that "TV cannot compete with our series of tubes. It's not like they're competing against a big truck or something." But representatives from TV's Viacom were adamant that television will still be a viable medium, "as soon as we get our writers back." One piece of good news for the TV party was the record turnout in New Hampshire, with around 75% of registered viewers tuning in on Tuesday. "It's a victory for all the couch potatoes out there," proudly exclaimed CNN chief Ted Turner.

In related news, Unnamed high-ranking sources are reporting that Mitt Romney will name Fox News as its running mate in a press conference scheduled to be held on February 1st in South Carolina. Romney spokesperson, George Schmidtlein IV, said on Wednesday that the constitution does not specifically require that the vice presidential nominee be a person. He also asserted that in the 1886 election, the New York Weekly Gazette successfully won the nomination for the New York State Attorney General post; therefore, precedent has been set. Schmidtlein also repeated earlier denials of a Clinton/Romney ticket.

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