UnNews:CNN's Nancy Grace pregnant with Spawn of Satan
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CNN's Nancy Grace pregnant with Spawn of Satan
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Monday, October 12, 2015, 19:24:UTC)(
3 July 2007
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ATLANTA, Georgia -- Firebrand television anchor Nancy Grace and her boyfriend Lucifer Satan formally announced that the couple will give birth in the coming weeks to the next keeper of Hell’s fiery gates.
According to the press release which accompanied the image showing a three-week pregnant Grace stated that the two are elated at the prospect of bringing on “the end of days” with the birth of their first child.
Grace, who is 146 in dog years, had feared that the pain of motherhood was beyond the couple's means. According to the statement, Grace is carrying twins, however the couple plans on eating the flesh of the weaker of the two infants in a celebratory feast "unless the stronger, dominant one consumes its weaker sibling first."
"We had been trying for an hour and I was beginning to doubt that the Demon Seed would take root in my incubation organs, but Satan never lost the dark faith, and well, here we are!" said Grace.
"And you know, I have enjoyed consuming human infant flesh for years, but when its your own, like it is with us now," Grace mused, "its different."
A quote from the couples agent, Leona Helmsley stated that Grace and Satan were “relieved” to see that the creatures not only have two sets of hands and two sets of perfectly formed cloven hooves, but that each also has “two adorable nubbins where the little Devil's horns should form.” Helmsley – who runs Helmsley, Helkite and Harpy Communications - also stated that the “tail is not only pointy, but lethal as well!”
The couple, which met one month ago at Ann Coulter’s famous Memorial Day Incinerate the Liberal Jews bar-b-que in Greenwich, Connecticut, was introduced to each other by Vice President Dick Cheney and Dr. Laura Schlessinger.
“When you know someone like Nancy, you just assume that she is a worshiper of the Dark Lord, so imagine our surprise when Dick told our coven that Satan was begging for an introduction!”
For her part, the host of CNN’s Lynch Mob, with Nancy Grace had carried a crush for Satan for many years. “People think that I’m this uptight and righteous woman, but I’ve been spinning my head for him for as long as I can remember.”
Grace has been with CNN since 2004. Satan, son of Lucifer and Hydra (Hitler) Satan of Kennebunkport, Maine and New York City is a 1969 graduate of Yale. The Satan’s lost their eldest son, Adolf Hitler Satan in 1945 before the young man could produce an heir for the family concern.
The expectant couple will make their home in Atlanta so that Grace can continue her television career. "Weekends will be spent at Lucifer's hide-a-way at the earths core of molten rock," stated Grace.
"No being in all that we know and do not know will be as relieved as I will when that which we have created claws its way from Nancy's four uterine chambers and releases its first breath of pure sulfur gas," added Mr. Satan.