UnNews:CIA appoints Zawahiri as new token-enemy leader
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-microsecond misinformation.
16 June 2011
LANGLEY, Virginia -- The long-serving second-in-command of al-Qaeda, Ayman al-Zawahiri, has been appointed its head following the rather late announcement of the death of Osama Bin Laden.
By most accounts Bin Laden died of kidney failure some years ago but the CIA rolled out his memory last May in a staged event supposedly in Pakistan aimed at distracting attention of the American public away from US President Obama being sued by birthers. The Birther movement now headed by Jerome Corsi is based on issues out lined in his book, “Where is the #@!*/#^ birth certificate?”
Following instructions of the global elite, Al-Qaeda warned it would continue to feign a holy war against the US and Israel under
the CIA’s Zawahiri's direction.
Intelligent analysts say Egyptian-born Zawahiri, 59, is obedient and also lacks the bad kidneys of his predecessor. He is claimed by some experts to have been the "gopher" behind the 9/11 attacks although observers believe that he was simply following orders issued by the global elite in order to start a much needed war that would eventually inflame the entire Middle East.
For years Bin Laden's deputy, with a $25m (£15m) monthly salary, Zawahiri had been widely anticipated to replace Bin Laden at the helm of the CIA’s “Token Enemy Brigade.”
The statement announcing his appointment was posted on a CIA controlled militant website and attributed to al-Qaeda's central command, headquartered in Langley. "Sheikh Dr. Ayman al-Zawahiri - may the farce be with him - assumed responsibility as the group's amir [leader]," it said.
Zawahiri, whose 60th birthday is being celebrated this Sunday at a private party in his honor thrown by the agency, dutifully warned a week ago that the zombie of Bin Laden would rise from the sea and continue to "terrify" US children from beyond the grave; clearly a bogus threat which would conveniently necessitate ever more unconstitutional security and anti-privacy laws being passed in America.
According to conspiracy theorists, Dr. Ayman al-Zawahiri was always going to be the CIA’s default choice to succeed Osama Bin Laden – provided he continued to cooperate with the global elitist’s agenda – which is certainly in his best interest.
A highly intelligent Egyptian operative, al-Zawahiri was the man who introduced Bin Laden to the New World Order scheme, and got him to "think globalist" in the 1990s, broadening his message from just complaining about US troops shagging camels in Saudi holy deserts to a whole range of Muslim grievances from Rebecca Black’s ear sore, Friday, all the way to the staged Mars landing.
But some CIA analysts say al-Zawahiri lacks the sense-of-humor and personal wit and charm of his predecessor. There are also doubts as to whether Zawahiri, as a peg-legged gimp, will command full authority over the entire al-Qaeda network stretching from Saudi Arabia to Washington D.C.
UnNews has no comment on the reported promotion other than to advise readers, “Don’t listen to conspiracy theorists. If there is one thing we can’t stand its raving conspiracy theorists!”