UnNews:CCSU Editor Calls Lightning "Magical"
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
|This article is part of UnNews||Your source for up-to-the-microsecond misinformation.|
14 February 2007
NEW BRITAIN, Connecicut - Widespread controversy erupted today at a nearby college as many students rallied for the resignation of a school newspaper editor whom recently authored a piece glorifying lightning and other vicious weather phenomenon, calling it a "magical experience which benefits society and nature."
The Recorder, the campus newspaper of Central Connecticut State University (CCSU) in New Britain, published the piece "Chaos Brings Order, The Positive (and Ionic) Nature of Lightning," which was written by Opinion Editor John Petroski.
"We are more than aware that we kinda-sorta-may-have overstepped our boundaries and made what some might call a minor mistake or error," said The Recorder's Editor-in-Chief Mark Rowan. "During a complete lapse of judgment, and slight fit of amnesia, we allowed a satirical article that does not represent the newspaper, and most importantly, the university, to be published in the newspaper."
Petroski's article cites examples from ancient human history in defense of lightning, saying that it was a "tremendous help to society, and may have been the cause of the discovery or use of fire."
"Where would the Romans be, after all, if it weren't for lightning striking not once but twice on the Capital steps, striking Julius Caesar dead? If it weren't for that event, the world might have never had the Roman Empire for the pristine example of a flawless Imperial government," the article read.
The piece goes on to extol the benefits of lightning to people that want to swim during storms, forests, and mad scientists, saying that it helps those who want create a hodge-podge Frankenstein-esque creation, and that it helps renew forests through the cycle of destruction and rebirth.
The Reactionary Student Alliance (RSA), a CCSU student group, held a rally Thursday in outrage to the publication of the article. During this rally, one brave young woman, Nicky Lapuertorico, whom is a lightning-strike survivor, took to the microphone. She made an impassioned plea to all for more understanding and sensitivity towards victims of lightning-strikes. She then went on to talk about how the article evoked negative emotions, and brought back harsh memories of her own experiences with the ejection of charged particles from the sun, "I am not a victim of lightning, I am a survivor of lightning," the college Junior explained.
Offended students, most of whom have had family memebers die from lightning strikes, have also protested Petroski's controversial satire by vandalizing the area outside of the newspaper's office and stealing property.
"Their rally was laughable," Rowan said. "They're uneducated about freedom of speech and unorganized - they're not channeling their anger in an appropriate manner. We've had to call the police several times today."
Rowan said that the protestors, which also included members of SGFTWHFMDOLS (Support Group For Those Whom Had Family Members Die of Lightning Strikes) and PTDLLBTDBALDS (People That Don't Like Lightning Because Their Dogs Barks A Lot During Storms), had called for his and Petroski's resignation. At this time neither has agreed to resign.