UnNews:Butts Irritated by Lack of Toilet Paper, Turns the Other Cheek to Theft
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Butts Irritated by Lack of Toilet Paper, Turns the Other Cheek to Theft
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Monday, June 26, 2017, 03:51:UTC)(
16 June 2007
MARSHALLTOWN, Iowa – Butts could face prison for the theft of three rolls toilet paper from the county courthouse. Suzanne Marie Butts has been ordered to return to the courthouse to be put on the hot seat in trial.
Workers at the courthouse were mystified when the toilet paper began disappearing faster than usual. They cracked the case when someone exposed Butts as the culprit.
Butts found herself in a pinch when she was caught by an employee steeling three two-ply rolls. When probed, Butts stood firm in saying this was her first time swiping the rolls. Authorities could not squeeze out any more answers from Butts as her attorney urged her not to break wind on the situation.
"He told me not to ask any questions until he's with me," Butts tooted.
Theft in the fifth degree is usually a misdemeanor, but prior theft convictions may allow prosecutors to charge Butts as a habitual offender.
"Butts charged with stealing toilet paper". The Associated Press, June 11, 2007
"Police: Butts Swiped Toilet Paper From Court". KCCI, June 11, 2007