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Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Friday, November 27, 2015, 16:34:UTC)(
9 May 2007
ALBANY, Alden -- After a absence of over ten years, one of Americas finest actors, Butthead, is finally found. Butthead, or Micheal Alexander Sturbates, was a leading caracter in the popular MTV series "Beavis and Butthead". We met up with mr. Sturbate and he had this to say:
- - UnNews: Mr. Sturbates, we would like to thank you for taking the time to talk with us.
- - Micheal Sturbates: Uh-uh-uh, you said "wood".
- - UNN: Uh...yeah. Mr. Sturbates, how are you now, ten years after your fame?
- - MS: Uuuuuuuh, pretty good, uh-uh-uh.
- - UNN: Mr. Sturbates, how are you holding up after all those years? Have you found work after your TV work?
- - MS: Uuuuuuuuuh, yeah, after that MTV crap, I started doing some, uuuh, commercials, and stuff, and than, I did, like, nothing.
- And then, one day, I walked into this, uuuh, school, or something, and then they, like, gave me a job as their alcohol assman. :Uh-uh-uh, ass. Uh-uh-uh. I just took the job for that.
After wandering around in America, Butthead had finally found a steady job as an Assemblyman for the Assembly’s Committee on Alcoholism and Drug Abuse in Albany. Not only did he change his life, he also changed his name.
- - UNN: Mr. Sturbates, is it true that you changed your name to get the seat on the Committee?
- - MS: Uuuuuuuuh, what?
- - UNN: Did you change your name into Micheal Cole?
- - Ms: Uuuh, yeah, uh-uh-uh. I changed it into Mike Hole. Uh-uh-uh, hole.
Butthead got national attention last week after he went on a drinking binge and left his wife and two children for a 21-year old intern. This sped up the search for Butthead and yesterday, his identity was revealed to a small group of worschippers. After this,Butthead gave a press conference on the whole ordeal. Last weeks story was also mentioned. The mayority of the press wanted to know why, after a long and happy marriage, he had cheated on his wife. When aked about it, he had this to say:
- - MS: That old bitch sucked, uh-uh-uh.
- Staff "POLITICS: Assemblyman Cole rebuked, removed from alcohol abuse committee". Grand Island Record, May 04, 2007