UnNews:Bush vows to leave at least a few children behind
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29 November 2006
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WASHINGTON DC, USA -- President George W. Bush conceded today that his plan to reform American education was a failure and that America would be forced to leave at least a few children behind. "It has become clear," the President announced in his melancholy speech, "that Hooked on Phonics does not work for everyone. The American education system is failing, and those stupid, stupid children must be left behind and forgotten."
When asked to clarify the change in policy, the President continued, "Seldom do we ask ourselves, is my children retarded? I'm sad to say that yes, your children is. As a result of school closures and reduced education budgets more American children are struggling than ever before. And, like two men sharing a single life-vest, the one who struggles must unfortunately be left behind. Or held under till the bubbles stop. It's the same either way."
The announcement came as the President heads into the final two years of his presidency and faces mounting legal and political challenges to his education policies. The infamous No Child Left Behind act mandated standardized tests for children of all age levels. While the Bush administration claims American test scores are higher than ever, critics claim this is only because National Test Day coincides with National Lock Your Child In The Basement Day, skewing the scores upward as only the children who have the wits to escape are tested.
Dr. Lawrence Bergstrom of Dubukke Univeristy (sic) explains, "It's not all bad. Look at the nerds. When they're not defending themselves from being murdered by the stupid children, they're are doing great. Our education system can easily become the best in the world. We just need more 'Pergie kids."
The process for selecting which children to leave behind is as yet unclear. Those schools scoring in the lowest percentile have been closed, which in effect means those children have already been left behind. A recent poll indicated that 23% of Americans believe fat children should be left behind, while 35% believe it should be ugly children. The remaining 42% agreed that both fat and ugly children should be left behind, especially the ones who don't wipe twice.
When asked what would become of those children left behind, the President urged his audience to sell them for crack.