This article is part of UnNews, your source for up-to-the-microsecond misinformation.
16 February 2008
Cotonou, BENIN -- President Bush embarked on a sweeping tour of Africa this week, in search of a new country to invade during his last year in office. The continent was a complete mystery to Bush, who previously knew it only as "the place from which those Democrat-voting African-Americans come from," and "That dark place where Mowgli lives." In a tour given by Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice, the first thing the president learned was that Africa actually consists of multiple countries, some of which even have English as their official language. "And I always thought they all speak Afrikaans," joked Bush, who was later surprised to discover that Afrikaans is in fact an actual language.
White House staff prepared a long list of nations ripe for invasion, but the President was very picky. Number one on the list was Sudan, whose authoritarian government has done nothing to prevent genocide in its Darfur province. Aides thought the President would love to "spread freedom" there, but he rejected the idea upon learning that Sudan contained no useful natural resources. Next on the list was Libya, whose dictator Muammar Gaddafi openly mocked America in the past, and has been known to support terrorists. However, since Gaddafi sucked up to Dubya and didn't oppose the invasion of Iraq, the President decided spare his country. "Gaddafi can serve as a model for other world leaders - as long as you are my lackey and do what I say, I won't bomb you," Bush explained.
Defense Secretary Gates next suggested the country of Rhodesia, where the mentally unstable Mugabe has been living lavishly while watching the country's economy spiral out of control, brutally suppressing any opposition. Bush was initially eager to "shine the beacon of liberty" there, but when he found out that English is their official language, he changed his mind - "find me a country with some weirdo language, where they make clicking sounds or something." Members of his cabinet thus brought up Rwanda, but when presented with the results of their genocide in the 90s, the President feared the natives' machetes "would be too much to handle for our troops."
Bush's trip will go on a few more days, and the White House press office says no decision on which country to invade will be made until the end. However, anonymous sources say the President has narrowed the list down to three: South Africa, because of apartheid; Niger, because that's where Saddam Hussein tried to get his uranium; and Morocco, because its citizens are Muslim, and because Bush enjoyed the movie "Casablanca."