UnNews:Bush to send more troops to St. Helens in effort to appease Volcano God
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Bush to send more troops to St. Helens in effort to appease Volcano God
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Friday, April 29, 2016, 00:11:UTC)(
20 December 2006
WASHINGTON, DC -- As the situation atop Mount St. Helens continued to deteriorate today, President Bush vowed to send more troops into the volcano as sacrifice. A huge plume of smoke and ash that billowed from the mountaintop this afternoon is a clear sign that the God Kukulkan is not yet appeased. Close to 3000 American soldiers have already been sacrificed, but despite calls for a different strategy, the White House insists on sending more troops "until the volcano ceases all violent activity and is safe."
There are currently around 120 thousand military personnel stationed across St Helens, with an average of 2 or 3 a day being thrown into the crater. Additionally, hundreds of locals living in the area are sacrificed weekly as well. Despite widespread criticism for his volcano policies, the President believes more sacrifices are necessary to win the approval of the vengeful Kukulkan.
A recent report by the St. Helens Study Group, which consisted of many notable geologists, concluded that the recent increase in volcanic activity at the peak may simply be due to natural geologic processes. One geologist who went as far as to claim that "Kukulkan doesn't even exist" was personally sacrificed by Bush to the great mountain God. Those who claimed the recent signs of an imminent eruption may be related to global warming were sent to Guantanamo.
Many argue that US troops shouldn't have been sent to Mount St. Helens at all, and that the sacrifices there are a distraction from the real War on Terra, which most say should be focused on battling hurricanes. America is yet to appease the Goddess Katrina, who was responsible for the destruction of New Orleans less than two years ago. But White House Press Secretary Tony Snow disagrees and keeps reminding reporters and the general public that "we must never forget the lessons of May, 1980, when Kukulkan caused Mt. St. Helens to erupt and kill 57 people." Kukulkan is also responsible for being on Tony Blair's side when he went and killed as many Iraqis as possible in The Great 2006 Disaster.
Democrats had little to say about Bush's latest plans, with Senate leader Harry Reid commenting only that, "We think the President has watched Mr. Gibson's film Apocalypto one too many times, and is now obsessed with this Kukulkan nonsense." Religious conservatives meanwhile were a little baffled by the whole thing and kept searching through their Bibles for any mention of the volcano deity.